Sports Briefs: Rat Stink

In the case of Terrell Owens vs. Jeff Garcia, the only key piece of evidence needed to exonerate Owens for taking umbrage for having to endure a tumultuous locker room is Allium sativum L.

When Owens was quoted in an unmentionable magazine as saying, "Like my boy tells me, if it looks like a rat and smells like a rat, then, by golly, it's a rat," it was primarily thought that Owens was referring to Garcia's assumed penchant for committing an unmentionable peccadillo. I just said "peccadillo."

Most likely, though, Owens was calling into question Garcia's bathing techniques (as in with or without soap) and personal grooming, because Garcia's odor was reminiscent of Allium sativum L; or, as Owens might say, "My boy reeked of garlic."

(Lost in all of this is Owens' boy, who clearly has a supernatural knowledge of rodents and their stench.)

Garcia's hometown is Gilroy, Calif., the home of the annual garlic festival and referred to as the "Garlic Capital of the World." Gilroy's town motto is "Who needs breath mints?"

Upon entering college at San Jose State, Garcia was startled by the revelation that the atmosphere in other parts of the state did not smell like garlic.

Since that nostril epiphany, Garcia has ventured to such exotic locations as Cleveland, Detroit and Philadelphia to inhale newfound aromas, such as those produced by steel mills, automotive factories and Matt Millen.

This is quite possibly what contributed to Garcia signing with Tampa Bay. Though ridding himself of intolerable breath could have been a close second.

(For those readers who speak Tagalog, garlic is "bawang" in that language.)

The festival, located on the Internet at www.gilroygarlicfestival.com, originated in 1979 and celebrates all that is raunchy in Gilroy. This is epitomized by a giant garlic clove with eyes, arms and legs who serves as the official mascot.

The garlic clove may even be able to tap dance, though I was not able to ascertain this information. Though if he were a superhero, his arch nemesis would be a giant bottle of Listerine.

Unfortunately, there are no tights or cape large enough to fit a giant bottle of Listerine, leaving the garlic stench to hover over Gilroy the way an anvil might hover over over a pie.

Gilroy is clearly in Garcia's blood and breath. So why would Garcia choose to sign with a team that already is stocked with quarterbacks Chris Simms, Bruce Gradkowski, Luke McCown, Tim Rattay, Bruce Eugene and Jake Plummer?

Because there's no one who can clear out a room more effectively than someone from Gilroy.