Sports Briefs: The Royal Mascots

Brad: Bring on da noise, bring on da funk, bring on da people dat look like junk! It's mascots! The most useless corporate marketing device utilized by professional sports since Janet Jackson.

Chris: Ever since I first laid eyes on the NFL Huddles mascot dolls in the Montgomery Wards catalog in the early '80s, I have been enthralled with mascots.

Ralphie: Heck yeah!

Chris: Though I was horrified when I saw my first live mascot, who was a guy with his face painted, wearing a football jersey and dressed in bear ears. It was shortly thereafter our school bought a full mascot costume, much to the chagrin of Mickey Mouse, who often confused our mascot for Minnie.

Joe: Mascots aren't my thing. I don't need to be told when to cheer. And, I don't wear T-shirts shot from a cannon. In fact, my friend Stan actually lost a tooth at a Timberwolves game earlier this season when the darn cannon misfired. Poor guy. First, the gout. Then, scurvy. Then, a mouthful of T-shirt.

Ralphie: That would be so awesome! That would almost be as much fun as playing the game. Maybe better I dunno. Oh I want to shoot the tshirt gun too.

Joe: You ever been shot out of a cannon? You want to be?

Brad: Mascots really serve no purpose for modern sports. Yes, the teams all need some sort of name, but do they really need a humanized representation of that name? I hate to go back to Ace Ventura, but in that movie, did the Dolphins really need an actual dolphin? Marino was more than enough to represent the entire team--or Finkle--depending on how their season turned out. I predict this season will be nicknamed "Hurricane Ray."

Joe: The only mascot worth anything is the Stanford Cardinal. The Tree. How can you not like a tree for a mascot? Those sausage characters in Milwaukee are good, but they aren't really mascots. I guess Jack Nicholson sort of qualifies for a mascot for the Lakers. But he's almost too much of a caricature at this point in his career. He's less genuine than the Milwaukee Polish Sausage.

Chris: Adults in costume can put a fear into youngerts that is only rivaled by eating vegetables. I remember being terrified of the Easter Bunny, clowns and our high school mascot growing up. And if I would have had the chance to be in Milwaukee and come face to face with a 7-foot-tall piece of processed meat, I would have most likely felt slightly uncomfortable.

Ralphie: I love S.J. Sharkie from the San Jose Sharks, mostly cuz I love sharks. I'm gonna study them when I grow up. I like Captain Jolly Roger from the Pittsburgh Pirates--Rrrrrr. Iceberg from the Pittsburgh Penguins is pretty cool. I think Phillie Phanatic is hilarious. He is so huge and green.

Joe: Here, kid. Here's your T-shirt. Leave the big kids alone.

Brad: There are also a lot of trashy mascots too, especially for colleges. Ohio Wesleyan uses the "Vattling Bishops" (Lord knows how the Vatican allowed that one), and another college uses the Muskellunge, a giant fish that eats ducks. Both teams have records in every sport to match the performance of their mascots in the real world.

Chris: I have a beanie of the Fighting Okra mascot from Delta State. It's a close contest between the Fighting Okra and Milwaukee's sausages for the race of Mascot Most Likely To Be Eaten.

Ralphie: I bet Chris' wife picked out his favorite mascot for him. My favorite is the Nittany Lion from Penn State of course. I have one that roars and sings the school song.

Brad: Now being from Ohio, I am well aware of Ohio sports and their odd relationships with mascot. First, there are the Cleveland Indians and Chief Wahoo. Now I'll admit the original version of the Chief was pretty racist, but they redesigned him to be more friendly. Enter "Slider," that fuzzy pink Muppet who substituted after Wahoo was retired to being on peanut bags. What the h-e-double hockey sticks does a pink fuzzy thing have to do with the Indians? Then, there are the Cleveland Browns. Their mascot is . . . umm . . . well, despite popular opinion, it is NOT a cow pie or the color brown. The Browns' mascot is . . . umm . . . well, at least I know its not a cow pie or the color brown. Now if only they were the Cleveland Greys, then Joe could be their mascot!

Joe: Covering up that mug with a giant stuffed rodent head may not be such a bad look for you . . . considering the alternative.

Brad: Now now, Joe, don't get your adult diaper all in a bunch.

Chris: That's the other issue that is borderline horse hockey. One is enough. The Indians don't need a Honker from "Sesame Street" to go along with Chief Wahoo. The Dallas Mavericks don't need Mavs Man to go along with Champ the horse. And there are sometimes as many Raven mascots in Baltimore as there are linebackers.

Brad: Brutus the Buckeye is great. He is possibly my favorite mascot in all of sports. As for the Buckeyes themselves, ehh, maybe a bad name for a great team. We prefer to call them bucks anyway, but Brutus the Buckeye is a great mascot to match the greatness of the team. He's a real nut. I'd love to be Brutus. Hey, if you got a bunch of guys together and put us all in Brutus costumes, then we could be a whole nutcase! Haha, nutcase, get it?

Ralphie: Was Brad ever a mascot? Maybe that's why he so loopy sometimes.