Sports Briefs: Scary Stories to Tell in the Park

It was a dark and stormy night when I realized that Jesse Tuggle had eight arms.

As I stared at Tuggle's football card I pulled from a carton of Coca-Cola, I was struck that not only were Tuggle's arms an explosive size, reminiscent of the Incredible Hulk, but his arms were also covered in thatch to a point where wolf bane would have been a wise investment.

After contemplating just how good the Falcons would have been had Tuggle been allowed to play dressed as a tarantula, I finished eating a plate of biscuits and left the card on the kitchen table, as I headed to my room to organize my football card collection.

Had Tuggle participated in trick-or-treating at my house, I would have called the police. I would have mainly wanted to see if they had a pair of handcuffs made for a 6-foot-tall arachnid.

Jesse "Tarantula" Tuggle was part of Coca-Cola's "Monsters of the Gridiron" 30-card series. The series was released in packages in the fall of 1994. Two cards came in each package of Coke, with NFL stars dressed in realistically horrifying make-up. They also wore monster costumes, in addition to their eye black.

One day after work last month, I came home and ate a plate of biscuits. After I was done, I went to my office to do some serious research, a task which my wife refers to as "playing on the computer."

"Dem was my biscuits!" a voice called out from afar.

"Who's there?" I called out from my office. No one answered.

I began to tackle my research by organizing my old football cards. Tucked away in a box was a plastic case full of promotional cards, including my set of "Monsters of the Gridiron" cards.

"Dem was my biscuits! Who has my biscuits?!" a noticeably closer voice said. I decided to close the door to my office.

Eric "The Red" Swan was dressed as a viking; Pat "Chillin'" Swilling looked like Mr. Freeze's brother; Sean "Ghost Jones" resembled Imhotep in "The Mummy"; and Cortez "Rex" Kennedy looked strikingly similar to the way Godzilla would look if Godzilla's wife ever suggested he go on NutriSystem.

"Dem was my biscuits! Who has my biscuits?!" The voice was now quite clear. It sounded as if it were in the room next to my office.

Used to seeing football players icing their injuries, it was quite the viable tangent to see Swilling with his head fully submerged in a block of ice. I just said "viable tangent."

However, I noticed the Tuggle card was missing from the set.

"Dem was MY biscuits! Who has MY biscuits?!" the voice shouted, as my door was kicked down by a force, similar in nature to the much-ballyhooed banshees that Brian Billick refers to.

Unlike most sports card series given away with food products, which depicted star players in uniforms with no logos (because the manufacturer did not receive permission from the league to use said logos), these cards were actually given the NFL's blessing.

So, yes, that was the official Phoenix Cardinals colors used in Swan's viking ensemble.

"Dem was MY biscuits! Who has MY biscuits?! . . . YOU have my biscuits!" the voice said, as I was hit in the head by the Tuggle card.

Turns out my wife was a little upset with me for eating her biscuits.