Sports Briefs: Thick and Juicy

Chris: I remember having to do book report after book report during my time in Incarceration High School. It would usually be an autobiography, and the teacher would make the students dress up as the person our book was about. If only Jose Canseco had known about books back in the day, and that he could even write one without knowing how to read. I would never have had to dress up as Jeff Hostetler with a drawn-on mustache.

Brad: Jose Canseco, now there's a guy who has seen his salary fall faster than Joe's pants rise above his hips. He was making 5.8 mil not too long ago, now he's down to 3 mil. I guess that's why he wrote the book--to supplement his lower class income.

Joe: Your girlfriend called. She asked me to convince you to get rid of the Jose Canseco feathered haircut. I think whoever wrote "Vindicated" for Jose probably did a good job. Ghostwriters can be very talented writers.

Chris: Every time I hear the word "ghostwriter," I imagine a ghoul hunting and pecking away on an old typewriter.

Ralphie: I don't have any respect for him for using drugs. He is supposed to be a role model for us kids. He doesn't seem like a nice guy.

Brad: To be honest, never read the book and probably never will--however, I hear it's good. I know he probably got a ghostwriter to do it--maybe it was one of us. Hmm, let's see, who here has the most elusive writing career?

Chris: Don't look at me, just because I'm a celebrity, and Canseco and I are both famous authors.

Brad: I wasn't. I was looking for about 30 years older. Ah well, hey Ralphie, mind doing a little book report and tellin' me all about it?

Ralphie: So he gets to talk about how he used drugs to make money? Yeah that's a great idea.

Joe: Jose Canseco is a jerk. Get this, he invites me to a swanky party at his home. Then, when I arrive at his palatial estate, he ignores me and my wife the entire time. I even waved to him . . . nothing. He acted like he didn't even see us. So, I decided to end our friendship right then and there. I thought that was the end of it. Lo and behold, he surfaces at my federal arraignment for alleged steroid trafficking. Suddenly, he remembers me at his party. I'll be plotting my revenge the entire time I'm in prison.

Ralphie: How many hot dogs have you had?

Chris: It's disheartening to think that Canseco used to have quite the reputation. I had his poster in my bedroom, he dated Madonna and even Casey Jones used to carry a Canseco bat in his golf bag on "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles." But after getting blackballed from baseball, I don't blame him for exposing his fellow illegal prescription users. There's a possibility Alex Rodriguez will be the one continuing the steroids chronicles in a few years after he's exposed.

Brad: Now A Rod--woo--I guess I have to admit that, despite the fact that I share a general disdain for the Yankees, I actually collected his cards when I was Ralphie's age. One of 'em used to be worth $15 dollars, Topps Silver Edition I think it was. I probably still have it next to my Beckett graded 1989 Fleer Ken Griffey Jr. rookie card. Ahh, those were the days.

Chris: I'll trade you Dikembe Mutombo's Upper Deck rookie card straight up! I'd even through in a bag of peanuts!

Ralphie: You don't need any peanuts, you are nutty enough.

Joe: I think Alex Rodriguez is a phenomenal baseball talent who is talked about ad nauseam for his exploits and his more storied foibles. I haven't listened to a word of it for close to a decade now. Alex Rodriguez bores me. Talking about Alex Rodriguez also bores me. Why won't anyone discuss the real stars, like Tris Speaker or Dizzy Dean?

Ralphie: I like him. But I like the Yankees. I hope he doesn't use drugs too.

Joe: If you're ever going to be a good T-ball pitcher, you're gonna have to get on the juice, kid.

Brad: I guess you could say that A-Rod is having the exact opposite career that Canseco is having. He makes what, 22 mil or something? Why are these two in a column together anyway? Because the more I think about it, the only real thing they have in common is their Spanish names. Though A Rod is a born and bread New Yorker (now that's provincialism, Joe . . . dictionary.com is a wonderful tool if you use it), and Canseco is a Cuban immigrant.

Joe: You're just upset that you were cut from your high school softball team.

Brad: Common, old man! Y'know, I should tell a Cuban baseball player on a raft joke right now, but I won't. I'll leave that up to Matt Stone and Trey Parker. Now they would dare to make that joke.