Sports Briefs: What's Up, Doc?

If this were "Card Sharks," answering anything other than "100" when asked "Out of 100 doctors, how many said that August was their favorite month of the year?" would be akin to eating a taco from the Bad Newz Kennel and wondering where the meat came from.

If a young scholar in high school or junior high has plans on participating in school-sponsored athletic events, said pyrooter is required to undergo an athletic physical.

An unless there's a physician that doesn't enjoy introducing their hands to the personal regions of strangers for $30 over a 10-minute period, then I would imagine it's downright challenging for doctors to keep from smiling as they perform a physical on someone dressed as Captain Underpants.

In a similar fashion that Daniel Synder moonlights as the Washington Redskins owner, my mother moonlights as a receptionist at a clinic. She has been given the duty of using hand sanitizer roughly 164 times each day, a task which can sometimes require scheduling doctor's visits for patients.

Whereas doctors enjoy the extra income added appointments offer, my mother has openly pondered the possibility of performing physicals herself using garden tools.

My last physical, given to me by a nurse, left me wondering whether the work was being performed by Quinten Tarantino in drag. It was the first physician's office I've ever encountered which had dental instruments hanging on the walls in place of Thomas Kinkade prints.

The aspect in most violation of one's personal area is known as goozling, a medical term to cover for the fact that it is tickling. After exploring one's nasal cavities and ear canals for anything yellow, the physician throws the patient on their back, to where the patient is lying down on the examining table.

Carefully kicking the patient in the teeth, the doctor now has used pain to divert the patient's attention from the forthcoming goozling.

The doctor firmly places their hands on the patient's lower torso and intestines, massaging the naval until their hand is fully submerged in the patient's stomach. The patient is laughing profusely at this point.

After the entire procedure is complete, assuming the patient's elbow hasn't fallen off, the patient is now eligible to participate in extracurricular activities in school. In fact, if the particular patient is in junior high, as opposed to high school, or if the patient has a younger sibling, the chances of acquiring a special prize from the doctor's toy chest is exceptional.

Unfortunately, if the patient is anything like me, the physical will be the most action they see during the entire school year.