SportsBender Exclusive: Bryant University Bests Wagner, Sheds Defeated Doormat Distinction

After an uninspired 26 consecutive losses, the Bryant University Bulldogs defeated Wagner College 53-51 to record the team's first win of the season. Raphael Jordan silenced the raucous Staten Island crowd of 1,046 with two timely free throws in the contest's closing seconds. The bakers' dozen Bulldog fans in attendance, subsequently rushed the court, nearly filling the entire free throw lane in jubilation. In stark contrast, the humiliating home loss has prompted Wagner school officials to lower its flags to half-mast, crisis counselors continue meeting with witnesses of the traumatic event. Former Wagner head basketball coach P.J. Carlesimo has declared the loss, "Without a doubt, the greatest single choke job in the history of basketball, maybe in the history of history." As Seahawk-nation struggles to find the slightest semblance of a silver lining from the David versus David defeat, the New Jersey Institute of Technology rejoices.

The utter agony and ecstasy experienced, resulting from Bryant's thrilling victory versus Wagner, succinctly depicts Newton's Third Law of Motion, "To every action there is always an equal and opposite reaction." Similar to the 1972 Miami Dolphins' annual champagne pop after the NFL's final undefeated team inevitably falls, the 2007 to 2009 NJIT basketball teams intently monitor college basketball's last "defeated" team. The Highlanders (named after the 1986 cult-classic) serve as sport's "anti-Csonkas;" the Division I record-holders for consecutive losses with a mouse-dropping 51 straight defeats. When pressed to explain the Highlanders' remarkable run, current head coach Jim Engles replied, "Trouble shooting." Ironically, the team embarrassed Bryant University on January 21, 2009, to end the unprecedented streak of athletic ineptitude. This year's 8-win NJIT juggernaut has defeated Wagner twice this season, to undoubtedly add insult to injury.

Since the Institute's single greatest claim to fame remains secure, NJIT officials extended each class period by 3.14 minutes to reward the school's brainy student-body. A World of Warcraft LAN party also appears in the works, as the student council's Gnome Princess plans to meet later with the Elvenking from the school's most popular frat, Geta Effin Lif. The celebration may pale in comparison (as in the students' lack of exposure to sunlight) to Mercury Morris and Co.'s annual champagne toast, but the school's students truly appear to be living the "High-lander life."

References:
Bryant University. "Official Basketball Box Score, Bryant vs Wagner," http://www.bryantbulldogs.com/sports/mbkb/2009-10/Stats/mbbrywag.htm.
International Movie Database. "Highlander," http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0091203/.
NJIT Highlanders. "2009-2010 Men's Basketball Coaching Staff," http://www.njithighlanders.com/coaches.aspx?rc=204&path=mbball.
Sullivan, William J. "The Streak is Over! NJIT Holds Off Bryant University, 61-51, to End 51-Game Division 1 Losing Streak," http://www.nj.com/sports/njsports/index.ssf/2009/01/njit.html.