SportsBender Exclusive: ESPN Suspends Kornheiser for Positive PED Test

ESPN has suspended sports commentator Tony Kornheiser for two weeks, stemming from a positive test for performance-enhancement drugs. Pardon the Interruption's 67-year old co-star subsequently admits to using the banned substances, Hair Growth Hormone (HGH) and the male performance-enhancer, Zenerx. Consequently, ESPN plans to launch a thorough, organization-wide investigation, while the shocking revelation has already prompted preventative proposals by professional sports' most powerful policymakers.

"I knew Tony had used HGH in the past, but thought by now he would see the beauty of baldness," claims PTI counterpart Michael Wilbon, "As for the other thing, no comment." In light of the show's singularly suggestive themed segments, such as "Mail-Time," "5 Good Minutes," "Roleplay," "Good Cop, Bad Cop," "Too Soon?," and "The Big Finish, " PTI fans should have suspected foreplay foul play. Kornheiser has also revealed PTI's title was initially conceived during an intimate episode with wife, Karril. Ultimately, fans are left to wonder does Kornheiser's suspension exist as an isolated incident, or is this merely the sports-talk testing tip of the iceberg?

Speculation continues to run rampant through the hallowed halls of Bristol's campus of commentators. Other ESPN icons suspected of possible HGH use include Dick Vitale, Chris Berman, Scott Van Pelt, John Clayton, and Bill Plaschke. Similarly alarming, the coaching legend turned senile commentator, Lou Holtz, has apparently tested positive for PEDs on 17 separate occasions during his career at ESPN. However, no one had the heart break the news to Lou, plus, Holtz serves merely as an unpaid intern for the broadcast company. Ultimately, if ESPN refuses to demand accountability from its analysts and anchors, expect considerable future fan fallout.

Drastic preventative measures have already been proposed by the NFL and MLB, as a result of ESPN's PED PR nightmare. Major League Baseball may begin testing minor-leaguers for Human Growth Hormone for the first time in history. Kornheiser's shocking admission appears to have incited new suspicions in baseball's brain-trust. Commissioner Selig comments, "If performance enhancement can happen in the quiet town of Bristol, it could happen anywhere. Granted. But mark my words. This war will be fought not in a television studio or some remote broadcast, but amongst us-among our home-fields."

NFL leaders have also proposed new HGH testing measures. Commissioner Goodell candidly reveals, "The fans really seem to only care about performance enhancement in baseball for some reason. The Players' Union will never allow the proposal to happen, but, hey, it's the thought that counts." In the end, SportsNation remains the victim. ESPN will continue to conveniently cover the subsequent events (instead of Kornheiser's original crime) ad nauseum, leaving the viewer writhing with apathy.

Reference: American Rhetoric. "American Rhetoric Movie Speech: The Patriot," http://www.americanrhetoric.com/MovieSpeeches/moviespeechthepatriot.html