SportsBender Exclusive: McDonald's Withdraws as Annual All-American Team Sponsor

Since 1977, fast food's undisputed heavyweight champion of the world, McDonald's, annually selects an All-American team of the nation's top high school basketball players. The storied squad's most celebrated customers include Michael Jordan, Magic Johnson, Isiah Thomas, Shaquille O'Neal, Lebron James, Carmelo Anthony, Kobe Bryant, Kevin Garnett, and Kevin Durant. Until recently, the team served as the "Golden Arch" standard of excellence for high school hoops. However, on the "Tar Heels" of North Carolina's latest Super Sized struggles, McDonald's has apparently quit loving it.

In spite of a menu of seven former McDonald's All-American selections, North Carolina's name will likely remain unspoken come Selection Sundae in March. Head Coach Roy Williams' plate of un-happy males has warranted a McFlurry of criticism throughout the 2009-2010 season. Each Tar Heel McStake has undoubtedly upset the McDonald's belly trust, leaving Ronald and Co. grimace-ing, turnover after turnover. Freshman John Henson's 41.9% from the charity-stripe serves as an utter public relations nightmare for the philanthropy-focused food chain. Fans have also questioned whether the Wear brothers are even donning the right uniforms. Fortunately, the SportsBender hears the Carl Jr.'s in Durham is hiring. Even UNC's non All-American, the aptly-named Leslie McDonald, has served up disappointment. Unfortunately, the team's uninspired ineptitude has motivated an extreme McDonald's makeover.

In light of Carolina's blues, the McDonald's menu will no longer carry an annual All-American team. The typically reserved Mr. Ronald McDonald, issued a rare, rousing Crayola-scribbled statement, explaining the chain's recent beefs with the Heels' hoopsters, "That's my McDonald's, that the University of North Carolina has disgraced. The Fry Kids display more passion, more heart in the R-Gyms than these seven All-American imposters. We love to see fans smile, yet, Carolina's performance threatens to dishonor even the Hamburglar's family. Although we do believe in magic; we have decided to take an indefinite break today as All-American team sponsors."

In related news, Panda Express and Del Taco have emerged as the subsequent front-runners to acquire the franchise rights of the annual All- American teams. Undoubtedly, today serves as a sad, unanticipated day for not only the McDonald's food group, but for the billions served each year.

References:
All North Carolina stats as referenced on www.espn.com.
McDonald's. "McDonald's All-American Alumni," http://www.mcdonaldsallamerican.com/#/alumni.
Tar Heel Times. "UNC Tar Heels' All-Americans," http://www.tarheeltimes.com/basketball/mcdonalds-all-americans.aspx.