SportsBender Exclusive: Olympic Loss to Team USA Leaves Canada on Thin Ice

On the eve of the 30th anniversary of the 1980 "Miracle on Ice," Team USA's shocking 5-3 Goal War victory against the heavily-favored Canadian Union hockey squad emerges as the single most compelling story of the Vancouver Winter Games. The young Yanks' victory has already incited a drastic, desperate wave of reactionary line-changes throughout hockey's homeland.

Canadian Parliament has issued a nationwide state of hock-ey-mergency, in response to the Americans' violent attacks. Initial estimates of the disaster's damages exceed 30 million angry Canucks. Countless task forces have been mobilized to skate in the relief efforts. Countless public service announcements featuring Canada's own, Tal Bachman and Fefe Dobson, continue to relentlessly circulate on CBC. Prime Minister Stephen Harper extends an outstretched mitten, asking the world for support, "How 'bout some help, eh?" As the country searches for a slapshot in the arm, Canada's present pain appears merely the tip of the iceberg.

Undoubtedly, the stunning deke ranks amongst the darkest days in history for the land of Maple Leafs. Canadian hockey-czar Barry Melrose solemnly conveys the event's historical ramifications, "Yesterday, February 21, 2010--a date which will live in infamy--Canada was suddenly and deliberately attacked by a group of Americans that most people have never heard of." In response, Melrose will brand the losers' foreheads with scalding puck burns. The scarlet circles will serve as permanent reminders of the team's shameful performance.

In light of the tragic American triumph, the Canadian Olympic Committee will convene immediately to withdraw from the Games and coordinate the country's closing ceremonies. Vehement throngs continue to collectively vent their disgust outside of Canada Hockey Place, burning all hockey-related manifestos, such as sticks, masks, skates, jerseys, and jocks. Unfortunately, local Royal Mounties have failed to restore order in Vancouver. Reinforcements will likely require days, weeks, or even months to saunter from British Columbia's neighboring provinces.

The reaction of the nation's most powerful stickholder, Wayne Gretzky, serves as the ultimate illustration of hockey upheaval in Canada. Apparently, "The Great One" arrived in Ellis Island early Monday morning to apply for American citizenship. Without the guidance of the country's Founding Frozen Father, who will carry the torch of hope for the Canucks?

As expected, America continues to display zero empathy towards the hockey bridesmaids to the north. The game's broadcast on MSNBC, undoubtedly, reflects an invariable sense of arrogance by the States. The hundreds of hockey fans in America expected Team USA's victory, while the rest of the country simply assumed sport superiority. In the rousing, resounding oratory of Al Michaels, Canada's legendary loss will forever be remembered, "Do you believe America's better? Yes!"

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Reference:
Roosevelt, Franklin D. "A Date Which Will Live in Infamy: FDR Asks for a Declaration of War," http://historymatters.gmu.edu/d/5166/.