SportsBender Exclusive: Woods Short-Circuits at Press Conference, Reveals RoboTiger

Tiger Woods' highly anticipated press conference initially proceeded as expected. Woods, in succinct and seemingly sincere fashion, addressed egregious personal transgressions of infidelity, deceit, and addiction. The links-legend extended apologies to those harmed by his actions, "Now every one of you has good reason to be critical of me. I want to say to each of you, simply, and directly, I am deeply sorry for my irresponsible and selfish behavior I engaged in." However, immediately following Woods' penance, an unexpected series of events unfolded, forever altering the very fabric of the gentleman's game.

As a tear emerged from the corner of Woods' eye, the golfer started to stammer incessantly. A faint aura of steam surrounded the podium, while Woods vigorously convulsed. The gathered crowd responded with shrieks of shock and disbelief, as a brave reporter with Red Cross CPR certification approached the frothing prisoner of public opinion. Following proper protocol, the respondent frantically found no pulse, consequently exposing Woods' chest to attach the readied artificial defibrillator. The Good Samaritan gasped as a fountain of sparks engulfed the once-invincible icon. The conference room's moderator dispatched the Best Buy Geek Squad, who promptly arrived 5 hours after the accident occurred. ... Unfortunately, RoboTiger was pronounced dead on arrival. His parts will be donated to computer science.

In response to the robotic revelation, the "real" Eldrick Woods has released a statement explaining the unexpected press room short-circuit mishap. Woods extended apologies to those harmed by his actions, "RoboTiger was created with good-natured intentions. The persistent pressures of professional golf, fatherhood, and marriage became increasingly overwhelming. I had no other choice. I regretfully commissioned a group of Titleist designers to build RoboTiger, created in my own image. RoboTiger was the one who fired Fluff Cowhan, cussed out countless cameramen, choked versus Yang Yong-eun, and cheated on my wife with those trailer-park tramps. As much as we tried to solve the problem, it became apparent nothing could be done. RoboTiger had simply become powerful, more powerful than we ever imagined. Now every one of you has good reason to be critica of me. I want to say to each of you, simply, and directly, I am deeply sorry for my irresponsible and selfish behavior I engaged in."

Eldrick Woods' bionic betrayal fulfills prophesies written in the book of Jones (Bobby). Jones aptly predicted, "Sometimes the game of golf is just too difficult to endure with a golf club in your hands." Speculation abounds, surrounding the "Red-Number Scare." Golf legends Jack Nicklaus and Johnny Miller have organized a Green Jacket task force targeting other potential "android-aces," including the ultra-stoic Vjiay Singh, driving juggernaut Bubba Watson, and pinpoint putter Kevin Na to ensure metal will have no place in the golf world, post "Par-mageddon."

References:
CNN. "Tiger Woods' Apology: Full-Script," http://www.cnn.com/2010/US/02/19/tiger.woods.transcript/index.html.

Darnell, Tim. The Georgia Tech Trivia Book, http://www.hillstreetpress.com/GTTrivia.html.