SportsBender Exclusive: Zorn's Hire a Bogus Baltimore Blunder

Baltimore, MD. -- The Baltimore Ravens recently hired Jim Zorn to the position of team quarterbacks' coach. The former Seahawks' signal caller compiled a pedestrian 12-20 record as the Washington Redskins' head coach during the past two seasons. Conflicting reports from Ravens' headquarters have now emerged, disputing Zorn's future role with the team. Apparently, one of the Ravens' University of Maryland public relations interns' erroneously released the specifics regarding Zorn's new contract. The intern mistakenly reported Baltimore's hiring of Zorn as the team's quarterbacks coach, instead of the actual responsibility delegated to the former coach, quarterbacks' coats.

Brutal blizzards routinely "blind-side" Ravens' practices and games from November to January, but Zorn should excel as the Raven's new quarterbacks' coats keeper. Third-string quarterback John Beck assumed the "jacket job" in the past, but Zorn's hiring should allow the BYU product to flourish as clipboard carrier in 2010. Expect starter Joe Flacco to also benefit greatly from a cleaner pocket next season. Zorn's signed "coat of conduct" requires attentive parka storage, dry-cleaning, mothball removal, lint-brushing, and ironing duties.

The previous reported inaccuracies certainly create an abundance of questions the Ravens' organization must address in the immediate future. Zorn installed a state-of-the-art sandbox outside the team's practice facility to draft plays in for the upcoming season. Whether head coach John Harbaugh will utilize Zorn's cutting-edge design tool remains to be seen; however, special teams' coordinator Jerry Rosburg has apparently already drawn a proverbial line in the sand. After witnessing Zorn call possibly the worst special teams play in NFL history against the Giants in 2009, Rosburg remains adamant about using the sandbox solely as a litter box for cornerback Fabian Washington's pitbulls.

Several other intriguing storylines surround Zorn's hiring. Will the Ravens allow Zorn to bring juices boxes and candy bars for the players at halftime as the coach did in Washington? What players' button will Zorn wear on Sundays, Flacco? Lewis? Beck? Will the players haze the rookie "coat rack" and force Zorn to carry Michael Oher's threads throughout the season? The "jacket jury's" verdict is still out, but these remain intriguing storylines to follow this upcoming season. Ultimately, rabid "Ravens-nation," breathe easier. Jim Zorn has not been hired as quarterbacks' coach as initially reported, but will serve as the position's parka patrol in 2010.

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References: All stats and records as reported on NFL.com.