Spotting Child Abuse: Can You Make the Judgment Call?

Children don't usually report their own abuse spontaneously. Instead, we adults have a responsibility to watch for suspicious behavior and be ready to intervene, no matter how painful it is for us to do so.

Whether it's sexual abuse of your daughter by your new husband's uncle, or physical abuse of the little boy up the street by his family, there are a few signs that children who are being abused have in common. Many of the signs, by themselves, mean other things; some of the signs may even indicate mental illness. But a formerly-normal child who suddenly displays two or more of these signs, or who you see a sudden radical change in with one of these signs included, is

Signs of Child Abuse

Withdrawing - One of the first signs of child abuse is withdrawal. A child may become a loner; he or she may stop talking to adults or friends, or a garrulous child may suddenly become quiet. Children may start using ritual behavior, like saying things over and over, or washing their hands compulsively. Conversely, a child may cease caring about his or her personal appearance. In any case, the behavior will be a change from what you remember.

Bruising, Marks, Obvious Pain - Kids get hurt. But abused children are more likely to have unexplained injuries, or have unconvincing explanations. Look for long sleeves and pants worn frequently, or a child who is limping or avoiding touch or sitting. One incident is most likely just a kid accident. But if this behavior repeats over time, there's probably something going on.

Unexplained Gifts - Does the child suddenly have a bike, or new games? If he or she is not your child, there is most likely an innocent and pleasant explanation. But if your child continually brings home gifts that he or she is reluctant to explain, it's more likely that your child is either taking them from other children - or that someone with questionable intentions is giving them to him. Find out.

Obvious Neglect - Does the child walk around the neighborhood in stocking feet even in the winter? Does he or she appear dirty, unkempt, unfed? Are the parents suspected of substance abuse, or do you think the child is often home alone? Chances are good that children fitting this pattern are neglected financially, emotionally, and physically.

Sleeping In Class or Tiredness - A child who frequently is tired or sleeps in class, in the playground, etc. may be the sign of a child who is being abused and fears sleeping at home - or one who is being neglected and left to his or her own devices.

Resistance to Going Specific Places - If your child doesn't want to go to Neighbor Bill's, or Uncle Sam's, or spend the night alone with Dad, there may be an issue. Don't force it; instead, ask questions gently til you get to the bottom of the reason or figure out that you're not going to. And don't let the child suddenly buckle and decide to go. Abused children often try to protect the innocent parent(s) or sibling(s); she may be more afraid to tell you the truth than to go face the abuse.

Sudden Emotional Changes (apathy, anger, fearfulness) - If your child has been happy and is suddenly fearful or angry, something important is going on. It could be issues at school, or just hormones. But it could also be abuse. If you can't get the truth out of your child, you should take him or her to a therapist recommended by your pediatrician.

Sudden Inappropriate Behavior - Some self-exploratory behavior is normal in any child. But if a child is suddenly fixated on private areas (and is not hitting adolescence), or a young child tries to get you to touch him or her somewhere that isn't quite right, or if he or she is acting out violently when they had been calm before, it's coming from somewhere.

How To Be Sure

There is no way to be certain that a child is being abused unless the child tells you himself or herself that it's so, or the signs of abuse are so clear that it's undeniable (like cigarette burns or sexual abuse diagnosed by a doctor). In most cases, any of the above signs showing in mild form and individually is unlikely to indicate anything but normal child development.

However, if you observe multiple changes, or if one of the above changes is so pronounced as to be undeniable, something is going on. If it's your child, take him or her to a therapist as soon as possible. Don't pressure the child for answers; that can be just as traumatic as abuse. Most importantly, don't ask him or her leading questions; keep it open-ended and see if you can just draw it out of them.

If the child does not belong to you, you may have a more difficult decision to make. Professionals in a caretaker position or medical position are often required by law to report even suspected child abuse. But if the child in question is a neighborhood child - do you report it? Unfortunately, child protective service intervention can be traumatizing for an entire family, especially an innocent one; and if they find out you're the one who made the call, it could cause serious social difficulty.

But if you're pretty certain the child is being abused, you may be saving a life - not necessarily from death, but from hell. If you're not quite certain, you can call child protective services and tell them your observations, then ask what they think. Or you can talk to your doctor, a therapist, or anyone else who is used to observing abused children. Most people are willing to help you.

In the end, it's your call.