Spousal Abuse - Inside Looking Out

From the outside looking in the line between rough times and spousal abuse can often be very clearly see, but from the inside looking out the line blurs. It's all too easy to put raised voices, constant put downs, insults and bad language thrown your way down to stress, situations and he or she is just having a bad day.

There's a commitment made, for many men and women when they enter a relationship, where we emotionally promise to see things through. A price we pay that leaves us unwilling to walk away even if the first words out of our mouths should a friend tell us they are going through an emotionally or physically abusive times are 'Leave the bastard'.

We can't see it, or are unwilling to see it if we are in the same place.

If we do a lot of the times we blame ourselves, what did we miss, what have we done, what could we do to change things. Even if we know its not our fault we still look for someway to take a part of the blame. Women are, by and large, healers. Now I feel it only fair to point out here that there are obviously some women who do not fall into this category just as there are some men who are abused by their partners. However the majority of spousal abuse victims are women and there are some good reasons why we don't leave at the first sign of abuse.

We don't always recognize it until it's been pointed out a dozen times or that abuse then turns on our children. It's far easier to look at protecting others than it ever is to protect ourselves.

We find excuses, some of which I've already listed above. All well and good, but only if your partner is willing to get help. You can make suggestions, find number's, leave them cards, but they have to be the ones willing to get the help and continue on with the help. If they are not, then it won't do any good. You cannot force them to go to the doctors, or anywhere else.

They will change. Not without help normally, and certainly not without accepting that there is a problem. Turning around and telling you that you are the problem isn't acceptable, it's passing the blame and will fix nothing. If you agree to go to marriage or couple counseling, make sure it is with someone who is aware that there might be an abusive situation going on and don't sugar coat the situation when you talk to them. Put it all out there on the table for them.

I'm staying for the children. I'm not going to lie, leaving will hurt them, staying could kill them or turn them into the same type of abuser your partner is. Children learn by example, from what they see all around them. If they see that it's fine for Daddy to yell, scream, shout, and be nasty to Mummy what do you think they are going to do? It's not a given, but a child raised in an emotionally abusive household is more likely to turn into an abuser themselves, or be a victim of abuse. They might not like you for leaving, but you'll not forgive yourself if in twenty years time you're the one holding your child or their spouse as they cry about what they are going through.

They suffer from depression or another form of mental illness. That works, if they are getting help and you have support. If not eventually you will reach a point where you cannot cope with it.

There are times when leaving is the only option.

If you think you are being abused emotionally then talk to someone who can help. Ask yourself do you look forward to your partner coming home, or do you relax when he leaves? Are your children starting to throw things, scream, swear, or behave in a manner that worries you? Can you see them copying habits from either of you that make you concerned? Do you wince when your partner walks in and feel like you have to watch every word you say, and everything you do? Are you constantly being told that you are in the wrong, or cannot do things correctly?

Ask yourself when was the last time he made you feel good about yourself.

In no way am I saying walk out right now this minute if you feel you are in a situation like this but please do the following.

Talk to someone you trust, who can give you a calm clear perspective on what your situation might be. That could be a doctor, nurse, member of the WIC team, priest/spiritual advisor, midwife, counselor, member of a mental health team, spousal abuse team whomever you feel comfortable trusting there.

Take time to think, lay out plans and confront, in a calm way, your spouse.

Be prepared to leave if things do not change. Don't back down and do have money saved. If it means going to a motel for a night or a shelter to get him to see things clearly then do so.

Arrange ongoing support for you and your children.

These are not perfect plans, these will not fit everyone, but no matter what follow part one. Talk to someone who can give you that calm outside perspective on your situation.