Spring Cleaning Done the Easy Way

You've just spent months recoiling from the slightest hint of Nature's ugly side, and suddenly winter's neglect demands that you dig in the garden, tackle the house and yard -- and how about that car? Generally speaking, you feel as chained to your property as you were during those drab winter months, only with more to do.

If you feel as antsy to play and not work as most of mankind when balmy breezes and sunshine appear, you need to throw off that tether. And, to save some time and get you back on the track to R & R, perhaps the following shortcuts may help your wandering soul...

Housework: You see them falling around you like snowflakes in a child's water globe, and it is the bane of a woman's existence. What is it? Dust! And, the final insult is, not only do we spend a lifetime of shoving it around furniture and off the old man, but then we are dumped for a dirt nap and become it. Consider dusting with a hair-dryer. Yeah, I know it'll make your house a whirling storm in the meantime, but wear a mask and smile behind it. By the time it all settles again, you'll be on your second Pina Colada, and have a decent beginning on a healthy summer "glow."

Housework, Phase 2: Every smart homemaker knows that you always dust before vacuuming. That way, whatever you get rid of from furniture/family members doesn't settle on a clean floor. You've successfully blown off every surface in the home, and now it's settling onto the rug. Solution? Turn the dog lose. He'll take care of any crumbs and other edible morsels, plus, if you were really a forward-thinker, he will not be a fur-shedder. Rather, he can be sprayed with solutions to actually clean the floor as he rolls across it. This can be invaluable for stubborn stains - and he will smell lemony-clean.

Still, hang onto the vacuum for the next household hint...

The Bed Linens: Want to avoid changing sheets often? Keep. Them. Clean. Bathe before turning in, and then vacuum them to clear out the hair and dust-balls, and use Febreze. Told ya you'd need the vacuum...

Doing the Dishes. Pfffffffft. That's what paper plates are for. If it's just you, don't even dirty any; eat from the pans - everyone knows the calories fall out that way, too. And remember, you have that dog/cat for something. Put them to work licking. They owe you, Toots.

Laundry. Why do you think the dryer sheet was invented? Sweat less, and for God's sake, don't spill anything on yourself. Then you can get more wear out of your wardrobe by tumbling the "gently used" clothing in the dryer with a dryer sheet. Also, first 5 minutes home, change into your comfy stuff, and save the clothes for work or weddings and funerals.

The Yard. Now that you've conquered some of the inside, let's work on the outside. Why bother with fancy flowerbeds/vegetable gardens when the kids destroy everything anyway? Make them play in cleats and aerate the lawn for spring; they'll trample the weeds, too. Then plant silk flowers in pots. Since the cats will undoubtedly "aerate" them on their own - wallah! No litter-boxes in summer, either! Then, get a goat to "mow," and chickens to get at the bugs, and fertilize. Win/win: Fresh eggs, milk and the makin's for cheese every day.

Or, consider moving. Some people (you know who you are!) only dust as they pack their belongings into the Uhaul. That way, goes the explanation, the neighbors think you are a goddess of clean, and while you are building up new layers in your new place, the buyers of your old house will hear about what a wonderful neighbor you were. Well. Except for the goat and rooster, that is.

Just call me Un-Martha. Thank you - and please tip your waitresses. I'm here all week.

No animals were harmed in the preparation of this article.