Squeak: Help Your Hamster Reach It's Full Potential

Did you know that Hamsters have the potential to be more than just mice with great hygiene? Most people have no idea. These bite sized wonder pets can be much more than treadmill fiends with high pitched squeals.

As with people, it's important to develop a positive relationship with the tiny rodent. Shower it with encouraging words as much as possible. But don't hesitate to scold when needed. Without discipline, your hamster will start having delusions of grandeur.

Nothing's worse than a clump of fur with false bravado. If you allow it to do whatever it wants, it will eventually assert it's dominance. Imagine a kid(or better yet, an adult) with an out of control hamster. Your family wants Chinese food, but Ludwig Von Cannonball(a name the hamster picked himself) wants Pineapple Pizza that you have to drive three towns over to get.

In a normal situation, Mr. Von Cannonball would have little to no say in the matter. In a anything-goes household, where the pipsqueak has no boundaries, parents have no choice but to give into his demands. Otherwise, they may wake up to a face full of grenades(which is hamster street slang for droppings).

Don't think for a second he won't do it either. If he's ballsy enough to give himself a kick ass German name, he's ballsy enough to break out the cage while you're dreaming of being a cat owner. And if he doesn't drop bombs down your esophagus, he will probably knock out a few teeth with using a piece of metal from his treadmill.

You don't want to wake up Sunday mourning with a mouthful of bloody Chiclets, do you? I didn't think so. I don't recommend physical punishment. Like P.E.T.A., II feel animal abuse is can and should be avoided. Unlike that organization, I don't resort to brainwashing air-headed celebrities to help spread my message.

I find the use of visual aids are helpful in almost any educational setting. When your hamster does something bad, show it a picture of former Television host and comedian, Rosie O'Donnell. Make sure to close all doors and windows before doing this. The Hamster's natural instincts will be to run as far away from the photo as his little furry appendages will carry him.

Once it realized life has its ups and downs, it's time to help it advance mentally. Read to your hamster at least thee times a week. Subject matter depends on either the hamsters needs needs or yours. If you wand to send him off to college at some point, I suggest setting up an all around home schooling curriculum.

If you need someone to do your taxes and balance a checkbook, mathematical equations should do. Want a free mechanic? Buy muscle car magazines. Want some free video games for your kids? Read programing hooks to the hamster. As long as you have a good relationship built on love, trust and fear of comedians who fell off like none other, it should absorb just about any information you present to it.