St. Patrick's Day: What is it and Where Did it Come From?

Every March 17, I drink so much beer that I wake up the next day lying in a pool of my own urine on the floor of a bathroom in some apartment I've never been before, unaware of how I got there, wearing nothing but a red thong and with several new tattoos on my ass. That is also what I do every other day of the year, but what makes March 17 unique is that it is called St. Patrick's Day.

What is St. Patrick's Day, you ask? Well, you've come to the right place, because in addition to being the ultimate authority on recovering from extreme hangovers, I also know a thing or two about the one day each year everyone pretends there is something special about being Irish. So I have compiled some of the most commonly asked questions about St. Patrick's Day along with answers that will undoubtedly leave you as confused as I am every morning when I wake up lying in a pool of my own urine on the floor of a bathroom in some apartment I've never been before, unaware of how I got there, wearing nothing but a red thong and with several new tattoos on my ass.

Tell me about this St. Patrick dude. Why a day for him?

Legend has it St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland. Historians, however, have revealed that this couldn't possibly be true because St. Patrick had his driver's license revoked after being charged with drunk driving for the fifth time in a three-month period. The Irish, despite being overrun with snakes, were nevertheless proud of Patrick's drinking exploits (he once blew a 0.51!) and named a day after him devoted to excessive drinking, sex with strangers, and ugly green clothes.

Wait a minute! This guy was a drunk and they made him a saint?

Yes, you have to remember that drinking is the national pastime of Ireland.

Corned beef and cabbage; do they really eat that disgusting slop?

Yes, you have to remember that drinking is the national pastime of Ireland.

Oh, so that explains the whole leprechaun thing too?

Yep, the national pastime of Ireland is pretty much responsible for claims that a bearded midget with a pot of gold can be found at the end of a rainbow. Here in America, it usually takes a massive dose of acid to conjure up such a vision.

Why March 17?

March 17 is the beginning of the period in which the moon is in the seventh house, Jupiter aligns with Mars, and U2 begins a six-month world-wide tour, thus representing universal love. I'm just making this crap up. I have no freakin' idea why St. Patrick's Day is March 17. As good a day as any, I guess.

I see shamrocks everywhere on St. Patrick's Day. What the hell is a shamrock?

A shamrock is a three-leaf clover. Legend has it that one night in a Dublin pub, during a particularly rowdy St. Patrick's Day celebration way back in the year 583, it was decided that the shamrock would be the national emblem of Ireland. The shamrock was chosen because the three leaves represent three important events that had occurred in Ireland's early history. Unfortunately, no one at the celebration was ever sober enough to remember what those three events were and why they were significant. Thus Irish history books are filled with little more than incoherent babble about the drinking exploits of a couple of guys named O'Callaghan and Flaherty.

Why would a school with a French name, Notre Dame, be called the Fighting Irish?

Because there are no fighting French. (Note: this joke is purely for the benefit of my Republican friends-all two of them-who seem to thrive on France-bashing. This is just my way of trying to provide a little something for everyone.)

That ridiculous Irish dancing crap, do people really like to watch it?

Apparently so. I must admit that while I find that Michael Flatley guy rather nauseating, when it's a bunch of pretty, young lasses with flowing red hair and little plaid skirts bouncing up-and-down and flailing their perfectly shaped legs about, my shillelagh gets a wee bit aroused.

Are Lucky Charms really magically delicious?

Of course they are! Only magic could turn those hard, dried-up marshmallows into wonderfully soft, little pillows of sweetness.

I look terrible in green. Is there any way I can celebrate St. Patrick's Day without having to wear that awful color?

Would you like to borrow my red thong?