Stand Up, Speak Out, Be Free

Bullying. At some point in our lives, we've all experienced it, witnessed it or participated in it in some way. Contrary to popular belief, bullying is not a "normal part of growing up." A person has the right to live his or her life without having to worry the next person they'll run into will make fun of them, tease them or beat them up. This is not normal and it should not be tolerated. Children aren't born to behave this way-they learn this behavior. This should bother us as parents, teachers, counselors, bosses and peers.

What Is Bullying?

The best definition of bullying I've seen is, "a conscious, willful, deliberate and repeated hostile activity marked by an imbalance of power, intent to harm, and/or a threat of aggression." (www.b-free.ca) Essentially, it's a misuse of power one person seems to think they have over another. It can take on many different forms too--it's not just the stereotypical playground bully that harasses a weaker peer at recess or steals other kid's lunch money. It happens to the elementary student on the playground, to a co-worker, even to that nice elderly man who lives down the block.

As outlined on the b-free site, bullying takes on four forms:
(1) Verbal - name calling, mocking, rumors, laughing at, threatening or teasing.
(2) Social - this is mostly attacking someone's reputation. Excluding a person from a peer group or getting people to gang-up on or harass someone are the most common.
(3) Physical - beatings, shoving, tripping or sexual assault.
(4) Cyber - in this age of high computer usage, this is now a major bullying tool. Email, text messaging, creating websites, chat rooms or cyber-stalking.
What's important to remember is that bullying doesn't just affect the victim while it's actually occurring. It lingers...and stays with the person every minute of the day or night.

Who Does it?

Bullying situations involve three people: (a) the bully, (b) the victim, and (c) the bystander. The bully is the person who has the power and tries to use the power to control the victim (also called the target). The bystander is the person (or persons) who stands around and watches as the bully harasses the victim without doing anything to help.

Although the media depicts bullying mostly between boys, girls are just as bad-and sometimes worse-than boys. Girls are much more subtle in their tactics and use methods that destroy a person's self-esteem right to the core (such as rumors, exclusion and other forms of social bullying.)

The reason bullies are allowed to continue their behavior is because people allow them to-either because they're afraid to intervene or they don't want to be harassed themselves. The truth is, according to b-free, a bullying situation can be stopped within ten seconds if a bystander just stood up and said something. That's very powerful when you think about it. Bullies have a little bit of power taken away for each person who stands up for another person. In fact, if just one person has the courage to say something, it could emit courage in others to follow suit.

What Can Be Done?

Just as important as bystanders speaking up, the person being bullied has some power to try to change their situation too. B-free lists the following things the victim can do to help stop bullying:

· Stay calm. Bullies love a reaction so don't give them one.
· If you know of someone who doesn't like you, steer clear. Take yourself out of the situation.
· Don't fight back. You may get hurt or make the situation worse. Bullies want attention-fighting back only gives them what they want.
· Avoid vulnerable situations. Walk to school earlier or later in the day, or walk with brothers, sisters, neighbors or friends. Don't be alone in hallways, restrooms or empty classrooms.
· Stay within sight of teachers when you're at school. They have the power to enforce suspension and other disciplinary measures.
· Instead of getting mad, get funny. It shows that you're not scared and can diffuse the situation.
· Think of things to say ahead of time. Develop a script, keep it short and don't say anything mean (don't be a bully yourself).
· Project confidence. Slouching, looking at the ground or your feet, and fidgeting show that you're not sure of yourself. Hold your head up and stand up straight. Bullies pick on you because they think you're afraid.
· Don't bring expensive stuff to school. Bullies like things they can take. It's not worth getting hurt over.
· If the bully won't stay away from you, then ignore them and walk away. It's harder for the bully to harass you if you're not there.
· Don't be afraid to tell people you trust. Adults can help more than you think. They have resources that you don't and the benefit of experience. If at first you don't find a supportive adult, keep looking. You'll eventually find one that will listen and help you.

Some of these tactics may sound very difficult to try, especially when you're in the situation. In fact, I'm sure there are some victims who read this list and said, "Yeah, right. As if that would make any difference." or "I don't give the guy any reason but he still hurts me." But it's important to remember: (a) don't fuel the fire; (b) try, as hard as you can, to show no fear; (c) tell someone-anyone; and do everything you can to keep yourself safe.

As for cyber-bullying, use logical means to protect yourself: Don't give out any personal information to people you meet online; remember the way we speak in writing is often taken the wrong way because people can't see-so watch what's being said and how you say it; and don't respond to awful messages you get but keep them to show someone because they can be traced back to the source.

Speak Up, Speak Out, Be Free - A Personal Account of Bullying

Back in grade school, I was a victim of bullying. The funny thing was the person who was the leader in the bullying was one of my very best friends. One day I had many friends, no real problems with anyone. The next, I came to school and nobody would talk to me, no one wanted to sit next to me on the bus or in class, people were laughing at me behind my back, I got knocked down at recess and chased home from school every day. This happened for an entire school year.

I faked illness to stay home. One day when I was so afraid to go to school I begged my mother to let me stay home and ended up telling her what was happening. The leaders of the harassment got reprimanded for what was going on but it didn't change anything. I never fought back, I never cried or showed any fear at school, I went to school every single day knowing full well I'd have to face some sort of harassment.

At the end of the year, I received a Citizenship Award. The principal gave the award out to students for being a person who was always kind to others (no matter how they were treated), for doing well in school despite any hurdles they encounters, for being polite to teachers and peers, and for never saying anything bad about other kids. The award was a total surprise to me, and to the people who bullied me. (I'm quite sure it was a tactic to show how wrong bullying was.)

After the Awards Assembly on the last day of school, three girls from the bully's crowd wandered over and asked if they could talk to me. My knees knocked, my heart pounded and I felt tears well up as I honestly felt...this was it. It was the last day of school and their last chance to hurt me. I just stood there and waited. This is what they said to me:

"Hey, we don't know why we did this crap. We're sorry. We know it doesn't mean much now. We just had to do what everyone else did or we'd have been beat up too. Seeing you win that award made us realize how bad everything was...we're just sorry."

I'm 37 years old now but I can still feel the loneliness and pain of bullying. But I have the comfort of knowing I've always done my best not to be one of those people. Now, whenever I think about that year, I only remember two things: Those brave girls coming up to me and my Citizenship Award (which I still have.)

I forgave the ringleader who started all that garbage--even though, to this day, I have no idea what I did to trigger her hatred towards me. But I wonder if she feels good about what she did to me...or even remembers. I doubt it. You can get through it.

Speak up, Speak out, Be Free!