Starbucks Level of Pretentiousness Declines for 3rd Straight Quarter

Trouble may be brewing at the nation's number one coffee chain, as Starbucks Coffee experienced yet another sharp decline in pretentiousness -- marking the third straight quarter the coffee giant has experienced such a drop.

"We're monitoring this situation very closely," said Tom Brewer, fictional vice-president of corporate imaging. "Clearly our customers want more for their money than buying over-priced ground-up beans strained through hot water," continued Brewer. "Our customers want the exclusivity that comes from buying over-priced ground-up beans strained through hot water."

"When you're sitting in traffic and see a person of obviously limited means driving a Kia and drinking a Starbucks Venti® Java Chip Frappucino, clearly there's a problem," added Brewer.

The issues for the coffee giant lie deeper than just poor and middle-class people drinking Starbucks premium coffees.

"Clearly the numbers show we're not as pretentious as we should be," said Brewer. "We thought that Starbucks music, Starbucks Entertainment, our collaboration with Apple computers and using 10% recycled material in our cups would boost our pretentiousness, but obviously that's not enough. What we need to do is be more pretentious with our core product lines and customer service, making the entire consumer experience pretentious from the moment a customer enters a Starbucks franchise until the very last moment a customer leaves our establishment."

To boost pretentious levels the company plans to introduce 14 new sizes, expanding from the current Tall, Grande, Venti ® and Short product lines.

"Our new sizes should be even more confusing for customers unfamiliar with Starbucks," said Brewer, "which will add a sense of élan for our regular customers."

Some of the proposed sizing names include gradating current sizes: Grande Quattro, Tall Elite, Tall Quattro, etc..., as well as adding more completely made up names that offer no indication as to size, including the new Falani, Mokava, and Sputici sizes.

"In addition our cups will be 50% flimsier than before," added Brewer. "Research showed that many poorer people would rinse out Starbucks cups and reuse them with home-brewed coffee. Our new cups virtually eliminate that possibility, making it more difficult for lower income individuals to pass themselves off as regular Starbucks customers."

Other proposals include charging a Green Fee® for parking in a Starbucks parking lot. "We realized that the paved parking lots at most of our 15,000 Starbucks locations plowed under thousands of acres of natural area, so why not have customers pay a fee to park their SUV's in our lots?"

"We're really excited about our Green Fee® parking charge," said Brewer. "It may well be the most pretentious thing we've ever come up with."