Starbucks: Now Serving Irritability

I hate Starbucks. I didn't used to, but since the economy has started to fluctuate rapidly, I've noticed service declining almost everywhere. I used to enjoy visiting the store, especially around the holidays. But like some sort of social thermometer, my visits have slowly become more and more unpleasant. The world's largest coffee chain included.

One would think it would be the opposite; companies should be circling the wagons and finding the best of the best among their ranks to shore up their reputations and try to survive. But quite frankly, the economy's got us all in a bad mood. And rightly so, I'm just saying...I'd like my coffee without the side of sass. I'd be willing to bet you would too.

I go to Starbucks about once a month, usually hitting up the drive-through window. Not that I don't love the warm and inviting interior...wait, actually I don't love the interior. Something about it seems horribly forced to me. Like a strange reproduction of something that was once good and original. Like a finger-painted reproduction of Picasso's "Guernica".

Somewhere in Seattle long ago, there was one Starbucks. And while I know nothing about the history of the company, I imagine that before it began reproducing itself like Tribbles, it was a favorite local haunt for citizens of the Emerald City. I bet people went there because it wasn't like any other place in town. And now, as Paul Harvey would say, "...you know the rest of the story."

One month's time is just long enough for me to start saying things to myself like, "Oh, I should lighten up." and, "I do love the coffee after all." A month is long enough for me to forget that I don't just pay three bucks for my tasty cup of "joe", I also have to endure the rapid decline of their customer service. Not that I think I'm the Queen of Sheba or anything, but well...I'm getting ahead of myself here.

And hey, maybe it's just my rebellious nature, but when a business becomes powerful enough to put one of their cookie-cutter franchises inside China's Forbidden City (It's gone now, I hear.) something about its quaint charm seems to disappear. I know, I know, we could debate about the pros and cons of Wal-Marts, McDonald's and Starbucks all day long. I'm just saying, something about the superstore culture irks me.

I love the way Starbucks coffee tastes though, I'll cop to that. It's nice and diesel powered, strong enough to get out of the cup and walk around, just how I like it. So, you must be wondering to yourself why specifically it is that I don't go more often, aside from the fact that I don't love contributing to "the man".

This is what happens to me every time I go, no matter what location I go to. I order the same thing every time, a drink called a "café au lait", a standard coffee drink known to most, and pronounced, "Cafe Olay" like the bullfighter's exclamation. Only Starbucks makes me order it differently each time. For example, today I pulled up...

Coffee-slinger: "Can I help you?"

Me: "Yeah, I'd like a small café au lait, no sugar, please."

LONG pause.

Coffee-slinger: "So, what you're saying is that you'd like a TALL espresso in a cup with some steamed milk?"

Me: "Yes please."

Coffee-slinger: "That's what we call it here you know, a tall."

Me: "Oh, I know. It just slipped out."

When I pulled around to get my coffee, the first thing the cashier said to me was, "I don't know you, you must be new in town." Like she was the sheriff, and we lived in the wild west. I replied, "No, I just only come here once a month or so." At which, she sniffed sort of disapprovingly, snatched my card, and shut her glass doors sort of like the gate-keeper from, "The Wizard of Oz".

Let me tell you why this irritates me. EVERY time I go to a Starbucks, all I want is a café au lait. A couple of years ago, they started calling it a "Miso". Which is fine, company branding and all that. But then, at least in my town they took the "Miso" off the menu completely. So now, no Miso and no café au lait.

I've tried ordering it every single way, a café au lait, a Miso, half steamed milk/half coffee...it always requires some explanation and some miffed employee says, "Do you mean..." and then tells me the "right" way to say it. Which, consequently, changes every time depending on who serves me.

And inevitably, when I pull up to the window to pay for my drink, they hand it to me and just say, "Here's your latte", as though I've put them out with my fancy ordering.

It's a nit-pick, I know. In today's world, it feels absurd and elitist for me to ramble on about people not understanding what kind of cup of coffee I want. And perhaps it is. But I have a theory. If society in general, and commerce in particular can start getting the little things right, for instance, serving people their coffee with a little politeness and a smile, maybe the cheer will spread. Like some happy infection. Maybe the world will start to resemble, "It's A Wonderful Life" and we'll go back to some Norman Rockwell-esque vision of reality. Maybe instead of waiting for everything to be fixed before we start to heal, we can ride the fumes of happy we're all feeling about starting anew politically, and stop taking our rage out on each other.

Then again, maybe I just want someone at Starbucks to get my order right.