Stay at Home Moms: Learning to Say No

Bell Evans worked for twelve years as a special education teacher, always with a long-term plan of leaving full time teaching to be at home more as her boys approached middle school. It didn't take long before her schedule was more booked than when she worked full time. Bell learned quickly how important it is for stay at home moms to learn to say no.

"Everyone calls you because they think that if you don't work you're available. People think I have all this time on my hands," explains Bell.

Stay at home and work at home moms seem to be the logical target for request for everything from serving on committees, volunteering, substituting, babysitting or simply running errands. Moms with kids in school are often expected to be the room mothers, snack bringers, field trip volunteers and carpoolers. Often SAH and WAH moms are also called on to care for family members in need as well. Throw in invitations to join Bible studies, book clubs, lunch groups and soon stay at home moms are everywhere but at home.

Many stay at home and work at home moms treasure being able to give time to some of these worthy causes but when we're recruited for too many of them we often find that we are failing to reach our own priorities for the reasons we choose to stay at home. Have you ever picked up take out for dinner because you were on the run all day meeting obligations that you wonder how you even got into?

Moms in general, working moms as well as SAH and WAH moms, have a hard time saying no. As nurturers we want to meet everyone's needs. In the end, we sacrifice our needs and when our cups are empty we have nothing left to give others. If stay at home moms don't learn to say no, we can become tired, stressed and resentful.

Learning to Say No

You don't have to give a reason.

Often when we're put on the spot our gut tells us that we don't need to commit to another thing but we feel inclined to give a good reason for this specific request. It's as if we need an "excused absence."

You don't need to give a specific reason for not being able to help out. In fact, if you give a reason for a day this week, the calls will come again next week or next month.

Bell Evans says she never gives a "why." "I have learned to say,"explains Bell, "Oh thank you so much for thinking of me. My plate is full and I can't take on another obligation right now."

You don't have to answer right now.

Unless someone calls and asked if you can substitute today, drive their kid to school today or bring 24 cupcakes today, you don't have to answer most requests on the spot and it's often better not to. Maybe you've really considered a volunteering position but when you get a call, it's OK to ask for all the commitments details and let them know you need consider it and let them know when you plan to get back with them.

One SAHM mom says she hates to say "I'll think about it" because then it's like she thought about it and decided not to. Instead you can simply say, "I need to look at my calendar and talk to my family and decide if I really have enough time to good a job" at x, y or z.

Keep an organized calendar.

Even though you don't need to give a reason as to why you can't help someone out for the day on a regular basis, you need to be able to see at a glance how full your plate already is. When we become stay at home moms we might think our calendar is clear but from story time, ballet, dentist appointments, making a meal for a family in crisis to getting our car's oil changed, not to mention our own cleaning, laundry and cooking we can find we have more "meetings" than we ever had scheduled for work. Keeping your calendar complete helps you to see just how busy you already are and helps you learn to say no before you say "I'll go," again.

Sources:
personal experience
telephone interview with Bell Evans, 1/23/11