Staying Emotionally Healthy Around Critical People: Bounce it Back and Don't Personalize

Each person reacts to the pressure of our fast-paced world a little differently. Some people going inside with it and other go out. Constant criticism is a toxic waste by-product of our frantic and frenetic lifestyles. Here are ways to stay emotionally healthy. Critical, negative people exist in every niche of life. In the workplace, in the classroom, in the business sector, in places of worship, on committees and in the home. If you spend enough time around a critical, negative person it can make you negative by proxy. That co-worker who is so critical of other people, that friend or spouse who finds fault with every little thing you do, that implacable supervisor; these people can tear down the very fabric of your sense of self. You find yourself starting to doubt your own abilities and judgment. Little termites of guilt, worry, fear and self recrimination bore into the foundation of your being. And now you're not a happy, centered person anymore. You're a nervous wreck.

In order to stay grounded, to avoid taking painful and unnecessary guilt trips, to avoid walking on eggshells lest you might wake the ogre's verbal onslaughts, it is important to embrace your inner core. Never for a moment lose sight of the fact that you are a unique individual, capable of greatness. But I know, all this is easier said than done. I fall prey to unnecessary self-doubt around critical people, too. Here are is a skill that I am practicing when I'm dealing with a critical person.

I call it the art of the art of listening and rephrasing without personalizing. The great psychologist Carl Rogers coined a phrase that is very helpful for dealing with criticism. After his client shared, Dr. Rodgers would rephrase what clients said. He would begin his response with 'What I hear you saying is ... ' after which he would restate what was told to him in his own words. The client would then acknowledge that the reflection was accurate or inaccurate. If it was inaccurate the client would then elaborate or expand on his original statements. This tool was employed very successfully in helping clients hone in on the root issues.

For dealing with the negative person, the phrase 'What I hear you saying ... ' is very useful in several ways. First it deflects the criticism and returns the ball to her court as it were. She will now be required to explain or defend her critical comments. The 'burden of proof' is hers. By a direct confrontation with her own negativity, she is forced to answer for it. It shows the critical person that you're not going to retort and defend yourself nor are you personalizing her criticisms. Most critical persons do their criticizing by suggestion or implication. They imply that you are failing, not doing your job, at fault for a problem. When you come back with something like, 'What I hear you saying is that you don't' think I'm doing my job properly', it's out in the open. If the person is chronically critical, this simple response is often enough to throw her off balance and leave her speechless.

If this doesn't work, stay tuned because I've got a whole suit of armor for you to use to protect your peace of mind against unwarranted attacks. For some of my other thoughts on emotional health, visit me at www.emotionalhealthhelp.blogspot.com.