Stealing, Cheating, Home Wrecker... Is it Ever Okay to Steal a Friend's Man?

I had mixed reactions upon seeing this assignment. I decided that it'd be good for people to read my analysis of cheating, home wrecking, stealing a friend's man, and more importantly communication, rules, and relationships in general.

First we explore the terms:

Let's start with the volatile phrase: home wrecker. What does home wrecker mean? Whenever there is popular or slang vocabulary I don't understand, I go to Urban Dictionary. From what I understand, a "home wrecker" is someone who ruins an existing relationship or marriage by pursuing someone in that relationship for their own selfish gains. The "home wrecker" was defined as being outside the relationship not from the inside. Remember folks, it takes two to tango. Ruining a home with an extra-marital affair is the fault of both parties.

Stealing a friend's man also implies complete fault on the part of the party outside the relationship. "Stealing" doesn't hold those inside the pre-existing relationship responsible for their own part in the affair. A man is not an object, any more than a woman is. Therefore he cannot be stolen. The man has his own free will and can choose for himself what to do with his thoughts, emotions and physical body. I see stealing a friend's man to be impossible.

Cheating is a better term. Cheating means that there were rules that were broken. All relationships have rules. It's the job of those in relationships to know what the rules are and to uphold them. An outside party doesn't automatically know the rules of your relationship.

Understanding Rules:

I can hear your skepticism. "Oh c'mon, the rules are obvious." This is no longer true. Every relationship I've ever been in has had different rules. Many of the messy break-ups I've witnessed resulted from rules not being made clear. Don't assume you know what your partners rules are, ask about them. Discuss what your own rules are.

My pastor once gave me really great advice. He said, "If the relationship is going to work, you have to follow the most conservative rules." This is true. This doesn't mean that the relationship is supposed to work necessarily but if one person feels undervalued, betrayed and cheated on, the relationship will never be healthy. If your significant other feels that dancing with someone else is cheating, then for your partner it is cheating. Dancing would constitute cheating in your relationship.

One thing I love about the kink community is the practice and tools for clear communication. Since there is so much to communicate about it no longer seems strange that communication on these matters is necessary.

So for those in relationships define with your partner what is cheating, what would feel like stealing, and what would make you feel home wrecked. Make your partner discuss these as well.

If you are a friend of a couple and are interested in getting closer to one or both members, it is important to figure out what the rules are. You might be surprised at what can constitute cheating or feel to your friend like you're a home wrecker.

Perhaps you want to a new action movie, think that your friend's man would enjoy it, and you know it would give your friend nightmares. It can seem completely innocent but your friend might end up hurt. It is not your responsibility to know all the rules and never make mistakes. It is their job to know what the rules are and to communicate them clearly. It is your responsibility to learn from any mistakes that occur and communicate clearly when there are problems.

Personally:

My take on this is that it is the responsibility of those in the relationship to maintain the rules of the relationship. In your relationship you must define cheating and explain what makes someone a home wrecker. When getting close to a friend's man, I have a secondary responsibility to be compassionate about any problems that arise and to communicate clearly any rules I bring to the table. I cannot steal a friend's man because people are not property, they are free agents. I can only be responsible for cheating if I knew what the rules were. I do my best to figure out the rules in every situation I come into but sometimes mistakes happen.

Intention is everything. If you want to cause problems for your friend and her man then you are not really a friend. If you know the rules and intentionally operate against them that is cheating and you may be a home wrecker. If you steal a friend's man then that is kidnapping, and illegal. A word to those who would run off with a cheater or home wrecker: If they can do it with you, they can do it to you.