Step Child and Step Parent Relationship: Step Parenting Without Over Stepping
Creating a Happy Extended Family
Instead of fighting with the child as a step parent you can actually make the transition easier for everyone involved; including yourself. If you handle the situation appropriately you may actually find that you can become that child's best friend and champion.
The most important thing for a step parent to remember is that child already has two parents and probably does not want anymore. Your job is to be the partner to their parent and while you are an adult figure in their life that they must treat with respect, they don't have to place you in the same role as their parent. Do not expect them to like you better than mom or dad or take your side in a disagreement, it is unlikely that will ever happen. With that in mind the following steps will help you in avoiding the title as "enemy".
Let The Child Set The Pace
Some kids are open and friendly to a step parent right away. Mom and Dad have probably been apart long enough for them realize that their parents will not be getting back together, so you are not the person who stole a parent away from them. Often this friendliness may be short lived as the child begins to realize that their parent is spending a good deal of time with you and may feel left out. Children are quite good at voicing these feelings and if you become aware there is a jealousy issue, it is up to you to eliminate that problem. Encourage the parent to spend some alone time with the child. This means be willing to find something to do for at least a portion of any given day and let that child know how important s/he is to their parent.
It also never hurts to sit down with the child and explain that you do not want to take their parent away from them but instead you would like to be a part of their family. Sometimes, this is all that it will take for the child to understand that they are important not only to their parent but also to you.
Don't Be The Disciplinarian
Very simply, set your rules and expect them to abide by those rules, but leave it up to the parent to make sure they are enforced. If you only have the child on a part time basis the other parent should be around for that time and it's up to them to make sure the child follows the rules. If they do not, then discuss the problem when the child is not around. Remember you are technically an outsider in this child's life and if you start out by trying to discipline you are going to be met with resentment and anger.
Be The Person They Can Talk To
All kids have things they don't want to discuss with their parents but still need a trusted adult they can talk with; be that adult. This does not mean that you keep secrets that affect that child from the parent but be the person they know they can talk to without judgment or criticism. If you feel there is something you need to tell the parent, then let the child know in advance so they are not blind sided or feeling betrayed when the parent addresses the subject.
Be Fun To Be Around
Kids are usually rather easy to please. If you are upbeat and happy when you see them, your mood will eventually rub off on them. Having fun does not cost a great deal of money, find something they like to do and do it with them. Buy a pair of roller blades and ask them to teach you how to use them. If nothing else the laughter every time you land on your butt will lighten the mood. If they aren't into roller blades there are many other interests that you can share from movies to music if you are willing to give that child a chance.
Be Patient
Remember nothing happens overnight but if you simply take your time and give that child the time they need you may find that you begin to look forward to their visit and they are genuinely happy to see you when they arrive.
Take the time to create your own family unit without trying to replace the biological parent. Doing this will not only strengthen your relationship with the child but also help you create a stronger and happier marriage.
Published by TM
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10 Comments
Post a CommentJust to give more detail to my relationship. My son show very little drive in school other than for girls and looking nice.. He lacks the will to help around the house, talks backs.. no willingness to get a part-time job, but always has a "Give Me Can I Have" mentality My wife tents to baby him, wont punish him other than over school issues. If he breaks something around the house and i accuse him she defends him. But we pay for everything he does or want...Now i dont want to spoil him I often refuse his wants with it come to money, and reminds him that he is of age to have a job... Like most parents or step parents i can go on for days about whats bothering me, but would rather get advise from those who have mastered being a step parent.
Im a step parent who has found himself at a point i would rather be married than happy, if not for me for the sake of my bio. child who is 8. I have been a parent / step parent since my son was 4yrs old. His father is the weekend parent, which i have very little to zero issues with. My son and i have crossed the parent & child line many time with our remarks toward one another because lack of respect in general... Im begging for some help or advise, to how i can stop the fights because i know they are hurting my wife and daughter.. I found myself thinking about leaving my family and starting up with an ex. or waiting until my daughter is 18 and then leave.
It seems like we argue more over the children and who is in control than its worth. Its like living in a house with two separate families.
The author only deals with sole custody step parents. Completely missing the real ugly, joint custody with a over-stepping step parent; which is a whole new ball game, and nothing in this article applies to the real world joint custody.
You and the bio mother don%27t need to talk except in the event of an emerg%21. She only needs to talk to the father of her child. Otherwise%2C there is nothing to say. If you continues to try to talk to her after she has asked you not to%2C you could be violating a court order or providing her with information she needs to get a restrianing order. The two of you do not have to like each other. You both have your own sides of this story%2C but at the end of the day%2C SHE is the MOM and unfortunately You are NOTHING to her. That is ok because you are the husband%27s wife and are supporting his as the father of those children. 5-10 years down the road it will all work out. You are the key. Don%27t try to be the mother and don%27t try to undermine her. of you will be doing this the rest of your life which is not fair to her%2C you%2C or the kids.....
You and the bio mother don't need to talk except in the event of an emerg!. She only needs to talk to the father of her child. Otherwise, there is nothing to say. If you continues to try to talk to her after she has asked you not to, you could be violating a court order or providing her with information she needs to get a restrianing order. The two of you do not have to like each other. You both have your own sides of this story, but at the end of the day, SHE is the MOM and unfortunately You are NOTHING to her. That is ok because you are the husband's wife and are supporting his as the father of those children. 5-10 years down the road it will all work out. You are the key. Don't try to be the mother and don't try to undermine her. of you will be doing this the rest of your life which is not fair to her, you, or the kids.....
Hi - I am blessed to be the step-parent of two amazing children! A boy who is 9 and a girl who is 8! Their father and I are "on the same page" when it comes to nutrician, discipline, physical activities etc....this however is not the case with their Mom. Here is my question...How can I improve my relationship with their Mother......this is a person who told me in writing 3 years ago to never speak to her again unless it was in regards to an emergency with the kids and she has stuck by it...attempts to say hello or general small talk...have been greeted with silence or a hummmph sound. I know that the kids pick up on this and that is a real concern to me. In the same e-mail of 3 years ago where she indicated that I was not allowed to ever speak to her...she also stated that should I ever e-mail her it would be considered harrassment and she would document it and advise her lawyer.....I'm really concerned about the impact on the kids...
We have two together and one each ourselves. 3 girls and a Boy. My fience works afternoons and so I am home alone with the kids all weekf. My step daughter makes everything very difficult for me and is starting to rub off on my oldest Daughter cause they are the same age. I am sure that it will get easier as she realizes that the rules are the rules and they are not going to change. Hopefully that happens soon. DOnt want them acting this way when my twins hit the terrible two stage.
This isn't easy. My stepson lived with us when he was younger and it was very difficult.
Sophie
I was lucky - although a step child - I only had the one home to worry about, my biological father didn't live anywhere near us - we were in Europe and he was in the US. This definitely will be of help to my sister when her ex moves stateside - as their son will have '2 sets of rules'. Thanks Trudy - very insightful.