Step Kids and Parenting
How to Avoid Stepping on Toes
Step kids can be jewels in the binding of a marriage, or they can be thorns. There are ways to deal with and avoid step parenting problems before they begin.
Rules and the Evil Stepparent
Everyone has a different way of parenting, and when you became a part of the family, many rules and habits were already long established. You may not agree with the rules, or lack thereof, but unless someone or something is in immediate danger, don't worry about the situation. The surest way to create a rift in the family is by insisting on immediately changing the rules in the middle of the game. You will do nothing more than create resentment, not only with your step kids, but also between you and your spouse. Keep in mind, the family you stepped into survived long before you became a part of it.
Don't enter into a family and expect step kids to immediately adapt to your parenting style. Talk to your spouse if you have a problem or concern before confronting your step kids. Let he or she act as the "bad guy" if it becomes necessary to confront kids regarding household rules. The statement, "blood is thicker than water," is truer than you think, and if you come off as a dictator you won't accomplish anything other than causing hard feelings.
The Defensive Parent
Parents naturally become defensive when their kids are threatened. When they feel their kids are being treated unfairly or picked on, they will come to their defense, sometimes even if the kids are clearly wrong. The parent knows the stepparent more than likely does not have the same feelings of parental love for their kids, so they want to protect them from injustice. They are unsure if the negativity of the stepparent comes from a genuine concern for the child, or from resentment for that child.
Stays out of issues the parent can handle. You may be getting bent out of shape for something your spouse feels is trivial. If he or she chooses not to handle an issue you see as important, discuss why it is important to you. Don't play the game, "guess what I'm mad about now." There will never be a winner.
The Irritating Child
There is no perfect child, and some children are challenging to say the least, but if a step child constantly gets on your nerves for no apparent reason, you need to take a step back and ask yourself why. Are you being fair to this child? If the child were biologically yours, would you feel the same way? Do you have the arrogance to believe if the child were yours, he or she wouldn't even behave that way to begin with?
Sometimes people forget to see the child as an individual with a unique personality. Instead they see traits, expressions, and even the behavior of their spouse's ex. Even if that ex never did anything wrong, the stepparent sometimes harbors ill feelings toward that person, and it unfairly extends to the children. Don't make this mistake. See the child as an individual, and not as the child of an enemy.
Picking on a child unfairly, for whatever reason, is emotional abuse. The innocent child is treated unfairly, and the parent who loves that child is also emotionally hurt again and again. Eventually either the child will be pushed out the door by a parent not willing to protect him or her, or the stepparent will be pushed out the door when the parent has had enough.
Finding a Happy Medium
Don't make the mistake of trying to take the place of the absent parent. No matter how hard you try, or how tactfully you handle delicate situations, you cannot take his or her place. You may not even want to be an actual parent to your step kids, but on the other hand, don't think you can just be their friend either. It will take time, but eventually you will find a happy medium where you are respected as a parental figure, but also accepted as a friend.
Published by Crystal Ray - Featured Contributor in Lifestyle
Crystal Ray is an award-winning freelance writer and artist from the Chicago area. Her passion is interior design, but she also loves entertaining and crafting. She is continually developing unique and creat... View profile
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- Don�t enter into a family and expect step kids to immediately adapt to your parenting style.
- If a step child always gets on your nerves for no apparent reason, examine yourself for the answer.
- You will find a happy medium where you are respected as a parental figure and a friend.
17 Comments
Post a CommentI don't understand what the intent was on who wrote this paper , none of it is accurate info on step parenting and its crappy advice , given .just from pure experience and reading alone , i can tell this person is bitter towards blended family idea
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my op ion , blended faimlys are not hard because of step kids .every member of the faimly should be equal this includes step parents not just step kids , blood is not thicker than water if it is , this is not a real faimly its playing house .The problem with society is they don't know how to be in a marriage . marriage comes first . second marriage is no different than n the first marriage , the priory for it no different .What makes it hard is that the responsibility of caring for kids if the second marriage creates a blended family .its the responsibly of the kids right off the bat . a couple needs time to grow in bond before they get serious a lot times people rush in witch bad on the relationship and on the kids it getting
I have a 23, 22, 20, of my own I have a 14 year old with my husband. I have 2 step kids 18, and 20. The boy was the worst when he was little. He was very mean to my youngest boy. He pushed him into a barn wall and cut his head open. And didn't get in trouble for that. And his mom told the dad it is because you don't spend any alone time with him. you all need to take one day and it just be you and him not the whole family. I didn't like it any because he had to leave all of the other kids out. Because of the jealousy of his mom and the kids. We had to do so many stupid things Well that didn't fix anything. It was like it never happened. He hit my little boy in the back of the head where he had already had surgery and it put a tree inch crack that we didn't know about. Well we had took him to the doctor and they did another surgery on him and that's when we learnt of the three inch crack that my step son had put there. I have all way's tried to treat the kid
only been married 3 months step kids 15 & 17 my 2 are older and live on their own, Dad is a push over and I am traditional. Daughter 17 controls him like ex did, I love him very much but feeling like I can't do this , I do not like the kids at all
have 3 boys, 2 by previous relationship. Engaged to my last son's father. We moved in with together. We have been in an relationship for 7yrs. Fiance is saying he's still adjusting to all of us living together. How long does it take a person to adjust to a situation that i assume was adjusting to as the years and time spent went by? Help
I have 3 kids...13,16,17. My husband has been in thier life for 7 yrs now. My 13 yr old is mentally handicapped and my husband constantly rides his butt about really dumb stuff, to the point of explosion on both their parts. My husband has a bad temper and constant nick picks about stupid stuff to my kids. It ALWAYS ends up in an explosion with him. I have tried to talk to him, counseling with him, i even paid a special needs teacher to come into our home to "train" my husband on how to properly deal with my challenged son. He just doesn't care. I think divorce is the only thing left...don't know what else to do here...
Im in love and not quite married yet but I have a son with my Fiancee and he has two sons from a previous marraige. I get sick every time i see his son's. (two weeks out of the month) Its always been my dream to marry but I don't know if i can commit when I have to deal with two boys ages nine and ten that do everything in the world to purposely make me angry. We try to teach them behavior that is appropriate in our home and acceptable in sociiety, but after a week of getting them back to "civilized children", they return to their mothers for a week-(where they are waited on hand and foot, and independance, responsibility, and manners dont exist) When we get them home again they act as though we never taught them anything. So for two weeks out of a month im completely stressed out and yelling to the top of my lungs because of their behaviour at school and in my home. Their father is extremely light on them and feels that "a good talking too" solves everything. I feel like im spinning m
My step children are all grown adults and out of our house. My issue is, they cuss like sailors and there mom doesn't say anything to them although she doesn't like it either. She's afraid they will feel unwanted in our home if we ask a particular behavior of them in our home. I was raised that to be an absolute sign of disrespect. I'm a "bad guy" if I say anything about their behavior in our home. It is seen as me coming between the kids/adults and their Mom. Any suggestions?
I cant stand my step kids. My husband gets them 2 wks a month. I feel ill when I know we have to get them.
my stepdaughter is 9 and is very spoiled by her paternal grandmother, it seems she only acts up around her and is very mature for her age, her grandma engages her to have conversations with adults, and she does nothing but buys her tghings even when she doesn't deserve it, my two children ages 2 and 4 shares the same grandmother, and she doesnt spend time with them at all she even went so far as to throw a party for this girl when my son's bday was 3 days b4 and never wished him happy bday. What should i do.
well i think if the daughter is almost 19 she should have a job and either pay rent or get a place of her own. i no how you feel as i have 2 step daughter 11 and 8. At first i thought i could handle this but now i wonder. I have been around since the 8 year old was only 6 months old. they split the time with us and their mom. the 11 year old has actually lied on to many things to count. my husband treats her as if she's a princess and i am sick of it. to him they do no wrong, but we have a 6 year old daughter together who has autism. She is a full time job by herself.