Step Parenting 101: Parenting Privileges Without Parenting Rights

By my early thirties I was pretty sure I'd never be a father. In fact, not only did I not have a bug to parent a child, but I had fairly well determined that I didn't even like children. Then I met a five year old and an eight year old that changed everything. I didn't just fall in love with the woman. I fell in love with the kids. The learning curve was fast and sharp. If you, like me, find yourself in love with a person who has children, here are three things you will want to grasp, to make your way easier:

1)Parenting step-children is a privilege, not a right: No matter how you slice it, because the parenting dynamic was set up long before you came into the picture, you are obliged to respect that dynamic. You are back-up to the parent or even parents in charge. The sooner you realize that, the happier you will be. Initiative is great, but in the world of parenting, it's also very dangerous. Don't step in to aid your lover in discipline unless very specifically asked to do so. Things worked fine before you came along. Assume that if a higher ranking parent is in the room, that your parenting expertise is not needed. You are being given unprecedented access to that which is likely most precious to the person you love. Tread lightly and don't make assumptions about discipline. I might loan you my car, but if you try to put a bumper sticker on it, we will have words.

2) Questions are the easiest way to give step children perspective: invariably, kids will push the boundaries. This is especially true when their ultimate authority is not there to protect you from the probing kids do as a way of finding out what they can get away with in your presence. Since you would not likely tell the kids to do something in front of their parent, then it's best that you remind them of the rules with questions as opposed to commands. Anything you say or do that the children don't or don't understand will absolutely be reported back, and trust me when I tell you that kids aren't the only ones that sometimes get time-outs. "Timmy, how do you think your mommy would feel about you having a chocolate bar before breakfast?" will serve you better than mimicking the child's mother by snatching the chocolate bar from Timmy's hand and scolding him because he knows that's against the rules. If children know that you know the rules, they are less apt to break them in your presence. Asking questions forces the child to make responsible decisions without you hovering over them autocratically.

3) Use Common Sense: Often times, when you ask a child a question like "How would your mom feel if she saw you doing X?", they will go stupid on you and assume you are asking the question because you don't know the answer. Use common sense to determine which is true and which is the kids testing their limits and your knowledge base. When in doubt, if left in charge, be in charge. If there is a discrepancy, make it clear to the children that you will check the rules with their natural parent at the first available moment. Once they realize that you and your love communicate about all matters, they will likely learn not to try to pull one over on you. If, for example, little Timmy says "My mommy let's me have chocolate before breakfast", it's okay to reply, "Well I will have to ask your mommy about that. This time, however, I'd like you to please put the chocolate bar away and choose something else. Can you do that for me?" Sometimes the child will push a little farther, but usually that's all the child will need to make a better choice. In the end though, common sense dictates that you make sure the child eat something better. Let common sense be your guide, with deference to the fact that when you look after step children, you are enjoying a privilege, not exercising a right. May your step children grow into considerate, adults who make good choices in life, the result of considerate and thoughtful parenting that respects the family dynamic created before you came along.