Step-Parenting: Dealing with a Bitter Ex-wife

I could sit here and tell, in detail, all the trails and tribulations of a bitter ex-spouse, but I won't. First, because I think it is unfair to discuss matters without one present to defend them and second, well, it would just be venting wouldn't it. I can however, express to you several sanity saving techniques used in dealing with this angry foreign entity that loves to wreak havoc with you and your new household.

One important thing to remember is she is the ex-wife. There's usually a reason for that. This could be one of the burs in her butt that's forcing her to increasingly be the nasty person she is towards you. Remain calm. Throwing more fuel on the fire never helped put it out. Sit back with the satisfaction that you are being the better person. Kindness is your key. This will also be remembered by your step child(ren) the next time she's "in your face" that you never had a cross with their mother. As the child(ren) grows older, they will start to question why their mother doesn't like you so much. So, in short, always be nice.

One of the biggest no-no's in step parenting is bad mouthing the mother to her child(ren). Yes, these young people are in your care too, but you verbally bashing their mother sets a permanent wall between you and your new step-child(ren). Remember, you are not only reducing yourself down to her level, you are giving your step-child(ren) a sense that they have no one they can turn to because all the adults in their life are fighting. It does not matter how unfair she is in her treatment towards you, it does not matter how unfair her treatment is towards her own children and it does not matter how unfair her treatment or comments about your child(ren) are. She is still their mother. Again, remain calm. You be the one to wipe away the tears. You be the one to listen without judgment. You need to be there for them. You can not judge them by their mother, they are innocent in the fact that they are adjusting to a new life with you, just like their mother has to accept that you are now, not only, married to her ex-spouse, but happy and content to welcome her child(ren) as a part of this new family. Remember, if she is this nasty to you, imagine how she can be in her own household.

One common excuse for her to be angry with you is relaying phone messages. Either she is calling for your husband or one of your newly acquired step-children. Politely take any message that she gives you and pass the message on. Now, I know these can be a bit irritating, especially when it is a simple question that you could answer yourself, but give the message to your husband. If he so choices, he can decide to call her back or not. Or what my husband did was call her back and said "Laura could have answered this, if you can't talk to her, then don't call here anymore." It's important to be supportive to your spouses. Now, if a child will not return her phone call, relay that you have already given the message and will give them the message again. You can also say that you will give this message to your husband and he will make the child call her. Give the message to your husband and make him do this. You do not want to give your step-child(ren) any reason to resent you or use you as an excuse to no call her. If they have an issue with their mother it's their issue, I'm sure it is warranted, but you can not encourage them to be estranged from their parent. Remember, again, she is the ex-wife for a reason, keeping an open, loving, heart with your husband when he has to deal with her immature behavior on the phone will only strengthen your bond with him. It has really opened my husband's eyes to how much more of a woman I am than what he was married to before. He appreciates me more and our relationship grows through every disturbance we've had. Actually, I should call her back and thank her. Yet, again, that wouldn't be nice.

In cases of harassment, continuous phone calls, calls to your place of employement or nasty messages left on your answering machine all I can say is Documentation, Documentation, Documentation. Excessive calling is a form of harassment just as yelling and screaming at you are. These kinds of juvenile behavior are not only unattractive, but are an attack on your person. Keep a journal of events to clarify instances of the child(ren)'s treatment. For instance, if she drops off a child for him/her to spend the weekend without any changes of clothes, document it. Another example is if a child is dropped off to spend a week with you with strict, nasty instructions that he/she WILL be dropped off at her household on a certain time on a certain day; however, you could not because she was not home and couldn't be found for 4 days, document it. . Documenting these instances and keeping your family attorney up to speed will enable you to be one step ahead when it comes around to the next issue with visitation, child support or in our case child custody. Remember to state your events in a factual manner, minimizing personal feelings. You can express your opinion like "It was my opinion that he did not want to return to his mother's house because when he hung up the phone he was crying and said "She said I have to come home or I'm grounded for a week."

Excessive rudeness is another temperament that you do not deserve. We all have our limits, but we must remember to remain calm. If you are on the phone with her and she starts to become more unpleasant than usual, hang up on her. If you have to be in her presence when she drops off or picks up your step-child(ren) and she starts making nasty comments or yelling at you, remain calm. What has worked in the past is I just turn to her and say "I'm sorry you feel that way, I've never thought about you like that." This does two things. One, it's shutting her up and Two, it's pointing out, to your step-child(ren), that her behavior is uncalled for. Remember, your tongue is the strongest muscle in your body and holding onto it can be extremely difficult. Do no let her pettiness get the best of you. Do not empower her with your anger.

Community functions are another experience to be dealt with. I sincerely hope that you and the ex-wife are in separate communities, if you are not, you do have my sympathy, but you too can survive her personality while maintaining your person. If you are at a public function where she is present, be the first one to say hello. How are you doing? How did (child) do at the volleyball game or karate practice? As you turn and walk away, you know, your ears will be burning, but, you have just demonstrated that you are courteous towards her to her surrounding party. As the gossip mongers wag their tails, know you have set the example that you treat her with respect. Maybe they'll question her and her nasty attitude towards you.

Another important thing for your family is to have fun together. Include all the children in your family outings. Do not be afraid to have fun with your husband in front of them. Laugh, tickle, joke around, hug and kiss your husband in front of them. They need to know that you have a healthy, loving relationship. It is, after all, why you married him, is it not? Do not think that these feelings need to be closed away just because they are in your household. If anything, they need to see you express your feelings to understand that you and your husband, their father, are in love and supportive of one another. This will enable your step-child(ren) to see their father through new eyes and not as the SOB she keeps making him out to be. Thier relationship will only grow the more they see how happy you and your husband are. They will see you as the woman that makes their father happy.

Remember the ex-wife isn't going to just go away, but using these guidelines will help your new step-child(ren) adjust and grow with your new household. They will appreciate that you were the calm person. They will feel more comfortable with you because you weren't the one yelling, screaming and bad mouthing their mother. It's not their fault who she is, they are victims of her personality just as much as you are.

When my husband asked me to marry him he asked me "Are you sure you know what you're getting into?" I told him "I'm committed or I'll be committed." It was my choice. I am choosing my attitude toward this difficult person. Your step-child(ren) need to see you as a person, not stereotyping you as the "Step Mother". Be nice, remain cailm and remember, kindness is a powerful too.