Step Parents: What They Face

When children are born, they unfortunately do not come with an instruction manual. Parents must figure things out as they go along and do the best they can. As you probably already know, we often model our parenting methods on those our own parents used, even if we know our own parents could have done things in a better, happier way. I believe there should be references for people as to what they are about to undertake when they decide to have a child. The reality of the vast, never ending tasks of being a parent would be enlightening and maybe even frightening, to some.

I am also of the opinion that most parents, in their hearts, want to be good parents. That said, being really good as a parent is the second most difficult relationship you or I face during our lifetimes (a successful, long term, happy marriage is even more difficult).

Some things a step parent faces are things most children just do: (1) play one parent against another, especially step parents (this is when the adults must agree to "back each other up"); (2) manipulate (each child has a different method, but be aware, it will happen); (3) ignoring responsibilities and/or chores (oh, this is so frustrating, but the step parent must think it through and be ready to take action when it happens); (4) endless arguing with step parent (I would recommend you make a conscious decision not to argue-you are the parent-someone has to be, so the child must learn you do not respond to arguing) it is another form of manipulation and a common method kids use to "wear you down" to get what they want; and of course kids have many other ways of "being their own person"; these are just a few of the psychological obstacles a step parent will continue to face during the relationship that binds forever. As they say, once you are a parent, you will be a parent until your life is over.

One thing we all must remember about stepchildren; they have been through emotional trauma, either through divorce or the loss of a parent by death or abandonment. Each child, like the rest of us, has to find a way to make life work for him/her.

If you, as a stepparent, want to establish a relationship with the stepchild there is one thing you must know: it takes time and you need to be patient. There is so much mixed up data in that child's heart and brain and she/he will assimilate it in their own time. Meanwhile, if the stepparent shows integrity, honesty, love, kindness, respect for authority, and yes, stands his/her ground, the child will nearly almost always come around and there can be happiness on both sides. The biological parent has the responsibility of helping with this process and doing so at every opportunity because if the biological parent endorses the stepparent consistently, the child will see and feel that. Children - all children -- need consistency desperately and they need guidelines and guidance. Please do not misinterpret -- they don't need beating - they need guidance and there are many non-violent ways to achieve this and to discipline when and if it is necessary, more on that another time.

Let's see, there are Dr. appointments, dentist appointments, school programs to participate in, sickness at home to watch over, pets who die where you must explain, relatives who are ill or who die and you must explain, why the kids at school do the things they do, set guidelines on how your step child should or should not dress, who it is OK to hang with, and so forth and so on. Just think back to your own childhood and believe me, things are even more complicated today.

In conclusion, as a stepparent you will undoubtedly face obstacles but you also have the opportunity to be a loving influence on the life of a child who needs love (although children are often unaware of this need). The child will return that same gift of love and respect to you and how wonderful is that?