Stepgrandparenting Difficulties and Pitfalls

Becoming a grandparent is one of life's joys that you may have always been looking forward too. I know after a dry spell in the baby department I couldn't wait to become a grandparent. I knew what I wanted to be called once I got there. Me mere is the french term of endearment for grandmother and I wanted to be her. In anticipation I began knitting little baby sweater sets and blankets long before there were twinkles in any of my son's eyes. My hope chest that had been given to me by my husband before marriage where I had stored treasures to be used in our first home together had long been emptied. Jokingly I used to refer to it as my "hopeless" chest because I thought becoming a grandmother would be a long way off. So, I began filling it with baby things that I lovingly "knotted" up on my "sticks" every night. I garnered quite a stash to be proud of too! After a heartbreaking disappointment when our first grandchild was aborted I distanced myself emotionally from the prospect of becoming a grandmother for a while. Then my oldest son fell in love with a young lady that had a beautiful one year old boy. It hadn't occurred to me that I would have the opportunity to achieve instant grandmother status seemingly overnight. How lucky was I? This little boy is absolutely beautiful and so easy to love it's ridiculous.

When the birth grandmothers live out of state slipping into their shoes is a piece of cake!

Well, it seemed as if it would be a cake walk since the birth grandmothers were out of state. At first I hardly gave them a thought. I jumped into loving this little guy as if he were my very own and he loves me. He calls me Me mere and lights up when he gets to come over and play. I spoil him a little and let him trash my house so we can spend our time playing instead of picking up toys constantly. We make teddy bear tents with blankets and chairs. We crawl inside and read stories to our bear friends and munch Cheerios and drink Juicy Juice boxes. Pretty much I spend more time on the floor with him than I ever did with my own children. That's how it is when you become a grandmother. The time you have with your grandchildren is divided into small blocks and you have to make every minute count. When you are a parent there is so much to juggle that in order to keep your house going especially if you are working play time is limited. I love the reversal of order when it comes to grand parenting. It surprised me how much I could love a child that was not born of my own son but I do in such a way that truly there is so difference. I found that out last year when his little sister was born. My son has a daughter and I now have two beautiful grandchildren. Just as I headed down the cake walk isle I got careless and slipped on the frosting!

Step grandchildren have birth families that may find sharing difficult with you

As I was living the sweet life of cookies and milk shared with the wee ones I learned of a bit of unrest on the birth family side of my grandson. Bits of information started to trickle down as only certain material tends to roll down hill. Let's say it would be something I'd normally find in a baby diaper. At first I felt sorry for myself as I wondered how all of my good intentions could be misconstrued. Then, I had to try and look at the whole picture from everyone's angle. How would a birth grandmother feel if she lived out of state and saw pictures of her grandchild on my lap with a caption underneath that read, "I love it at Meme re's house"! Ouch! I think I would want to stick one of my knitting needles into her. Then, there is the blood relatives that are near by. There are aunts, uncles and cousins that are sharing this little guy with me. Could I do that without animosity? I can answer "yes" to that question as there is a wonderful step dad in our family to my great niece and nephew. Then there is my niece who lovingly deals with her step boys as if they were her own. My thought on this is when a child has a fractured family as far as the parents are concerned can't they use all the loving support they can possibly get? If adults in these situations put their egos away and sit on the floor and look up as the child does what would they want to see? If I were down there and my small world has not always been smooth sailing I would want to see as many loving faces looking down at me as possible.

You have to try and embrace the extended family as much as possible

Before swooping in and scooping up that adorable child and claiming him all for my own I should have taken in to account his whole family. Where were they? How would they feel about me involved in their little ones life? In all honesty I was a stranger to them. Aside from the fleeting need to stick my knitting needles into people that antagonize me I am quite safe and perfectly harmless. Never would I cause harm to a child except a slight overdosing of sugar now and then. Having to back off a little once I have become hopelessly in love with the both of these babies is difficult. Running through a commentary of how I should have handled things has become dizzying and there is never any going back. Going forward I am still Me mere and will love like one because that's who I am. I can make no distinction between my step grandson and my birth granddaughter. This is the first time I have ever referred to him as a step and it is only for the sake of writing this article. I will never refer to him as such again. Lines become blurred when family dynamics change. When this little boy gets married someday he very likely will have four tables with a set of grandparents on each one. Nowadays that is almost the norm. What has to take precedence in these situations is the good of the child over the egos of the adults.

Working with the parents is a key to finding a balance in step grandparenting

I have come to the realization that the only adults I need to work closely with in regards to the grandchildren are the custodial parents. If it's alright with them that the kids hang out at Me mere's all day than that's all that matters. If peripheral family that are not normally involved much with the children have an issue than it is not my problem. In such a case it seems as though it is more of an ownership issue and children cannot be owned. If there are family or grandparents that are out of state or estranged that is not the child's problem either. They did not have any control over adult situations. It would not be fair to have a child miss out on the love of a grandparent who is present. That would be like trying to put salve on an old wound that never healed anyway. Festering people are not pretty and tend to hang on to their hurts like purple hearts won in battle. No medals should ever be won at the expense of a child being put in the middle of haggling adults.