StepGrandparents: How Grandparents Can Help In Family Transitions

Once upon a time, a long time ago, the average American family consisted of a mom and dad and 2 ½ kids. I have never met ½ a kid but that's what the statistics would say. Today that family is becoming a rarity and single parent households and homes with stepparents are the norm. There are a lot of articles written on how to be a good step parent and they all have useful advice. But some very loving and influential people are usually never even mentioned - grandparents and stepgrandparents. Including them as the new family is forming can make or break your relationship - with your mate and with the kids. Excluding them will cause additional unnecessary tensions between you and the children who love them. Especially unique is the relationship the new parent must create with the parents of the spouse whose place they have taken. Grandparents don't want to lose contact with their grandchildren because there has been a divorce. And what role will the parents of the new mate play in the lives of the children? Children need all the loving people in their lives that they can get. There is a place for everyone to be actively involved in the lives of the children. But maneuvering this sea can be treacherous. It's up to you to make it happen.

I'm sure you tried to make a good impression on your mate's parents. But meeting the parents of the person whose place you have taken may not have seemed so important. You may not have even wanted to do it. But just as it's important for the noncustodial parent to remain in close contact with the children, those grandparents are still loved and needed by the children. Their acceptance of you will be a positive role model for the children to accept you too. Depending on the situation that lead to the parents separation, it may be hard for them to accept you. But if everyone keeps in mind that the welfare of the children is the most important thing they will usually come around. If they can't, it might be a good idea to see a family counselor who can give you some ideas about how to make this work.

What about your parents? Most likely, if you aren't married they won't be sure what role they are to play in the lives of the children. So you need to let them know what you and your mate would like. If this new union is to become a real family they need to be real grandparents. All the adults involved should help the children decide what to call their new grandparents. You may feel you just want to see how it evolves. But, if this is a real relationship that you expect to solidify, calling these people by their first name is not a good idea. Create a new name - one that has not been taken by the existing grandparents. Now when the children talk about their grandparents everyone has equal respect.

That's important because grandparents get jealous! You might have already seen that with the natural grandparents. Add another set and you could have World War 111. Grandparents are very possessive. If one set is chosen to baby sit the other wants to know why they weren't chosen. Now there is another set of grandparents. And if the absent spouse reconnects there will be another set of grandparents. If they all get along the kids have it made - they may get spoiled but they will get a lot of love too. And you will have a baby sitter any time you need one. If they don't get along - at least with you - it will cause stress and conflict in your new home, affect the children in school, and possibly ruin your new relationship.

This kind of unity takes time and work to achieve. But it's worth it and it is doable. The help, respect and assistance of grandparents enhances children's lives. Don't forget them as you work to create you new family.