Stephen Colbert is Running for President: A Suggested Platform for the Right-Wing Pundit

Stephen Colbert has officially announced his candidacy for President of the United States of America.

Now, wait, wait. We can't all rush out and vote right now. Sure, we can camp out at the voting booths like devoted sci fi fans, waiting for the latest Stars Wars movie. But at least wait until you finish reading this article. Because we are about to finally have someone in office who will get things done. Let's establish our agenda.

Firstly, I think it's about time Jesus takes his rightful place on the One Dollar Bill.

Secondly, illegal immigration must be cut off completely. The Simpsons Movie this summer gave me one hell of an idea. Remember the dome? I think Stephen Colbert would be preeeetty interested in hearing my plans.

Thirdly, flag pins for everyone! How do we promote this? How about a slogan? "If you don't wear one of these babies on your lapel....you smell."

Fourthly, no more free rides. Emergency Rooms need to have a cover charge. You want emergency medical care, you pay at the door.

Fifthly, do you think a crucifix on the flag is out of the question?

Sixthly, no more debate on Iraq. Even among private citizens. Especially in our country's diners. You never know who could be sitting in that booth by the window. They could call up their friends in Al-Qaeda and embolden them in a matter of minutes.

Seventhly, a fetus becomes a human life as soon as the guy pays for dinner.

Eighthly, guns don't kill people. Only terrorists do.

Ninthly, we must cc the U.S. Justice Department on every domestic or international email we send out, in order to save them time and money.

Tenthly, if little kids want to have grown-up illnesses like cancer, they ought to have grown-up jobs.

Eleventhly, no more business about the world being created 4.5 billion years ago. We all know Satan and his scientists planted the evidence, and we're not gonna be fooled.

Twelfthly, "Do the Evolution" is a song by Pearl Jam, nothing more.

Thirteenthly, we don't need prayer in public schools, so long as students are made to take a half hour each day to reflect on what role Jesus plays in their lives. Stephen, I suggest we take that half hour out of Science class.

Folks, let's make Stephen Colbert aware of our agenda. And vote for Stephen Colbert in 2008. At least twice.