Stepping into a Relationship with a Partner Who Has Children

There can be a thousand reasons why someone might feel trepidation when stepping into a new intimate partnership. Many of us claim to want love - but then, when suddenly granted our wish, we realize that we value our freedom just as much. Perhaps we fear repeating the mistakes we made with the last person we were involved with. We may also fear rejection, or simple failure. When we and/or our new significant others have children from previous relationships, the issue can become much more complicated.

Mixed households used to be a rare occurence in America, but in the last few decades they've become almost the norm. When 50% of marriages end in divorces these days, there's a fair chance that anyone entering a relationship in their 30's or later will be bringing children into the picture. There's a lot of controversy surrounding these new kinds of family arrangements; one of the chief arguments often raised is that foster parents can never love kids as much as their biological parents do. However, we also live in a era of absentee fathers; and proponents of mixed families are quick to point out that a father substitute is often better than no father figure at all.

But what's it actually like to step into a mother-child or father-child relationship when one is that mother or father's new love interest? To begin with, the parents in these situations already have a (probably comfortable) routine laid down with their children. They may struggle a lot as single parents, but they've also learned how to arrange their lives around this central fact and they may not be so eager to embrace change. This can be confusing for the new person entering into the arrangement. Surrogate dads may be admonished to play a more active role in the kids' lives and then be chastized for their approach to discipline, for example. What we are dealing with, in these and other similar instances, is unspoken expectations.

In the beginning of a courtship, it may be enough for a mother or father to ask if their new love interest "likes" or "doesn't mind" children. Once the relationship deepens, however, both partners will need to explore their true values and beliefs in much more depth. Hoping that things will just work themselves out can be a recipe for disaster. It's much easier to come to terms with each others' expectations when they're spoken aloud rather than just implied. How involved does the parent(s) want the other to be with the children? Do they see eye-to-eye on such issues as discipline, schooling, dating, and responsibilities where the younger ones are concerned?

Partners can act as a team much more effectively if they discuss their thoughts and feelings about these issues early on. If they don't, their disparate expectations may not only put strain on the relationship but also confuse the children. Kids feel more comfortable when there is consistency in their lives, and this can only happen when the two people responsible for raising them are of like mind - at least in regards to general issues. Intimacy is a process, and there will of course be a lot of circumstances arising that neither partner is prepared for. If they've laid the groundwork with clear communication, however, they can support each other in dealing with these occurences rather than undermining each others' efforts.