Steps to Happiness

Are you looking for a rescuer, someone to take care of you, something to give unshakeable security in life? Do you feel there is someone or something to blame for your unhappiness? If you are shaking your head in an emphatic 'No,' ask yourself these questions:

1. Am I happy now? I don't mean 'do you feel happy all the time' -- by definition, no one can be happy all the time. Happiness involves feeling good, and human beings are designed to have other feelings that are not good (fear, anger, sadness). In this question I am asking whether you are happy or feel good more often than you feel angry, fearful, or bad.

If you can answer 'yes' to this question, I congratulate you! You have the ability to be happy, and you are in the minority. Skip to question 3.
If you answered 'no' to number one, go on to question 2.

2. When will I be happy?

-- when I make enough money to pay the bills or become a millionaire?

-- when my mother stops nagging me about my life decisions?

-- when my son gets into rehab for drugs?

-- when I find my soul mate and get married?

-- when I have children?

-- when my children leave home?

-- when I get a promotion?

-- when _______ happens?

Many people look to future events and assume that those events will change their lives so much that they will become happy. The "happily ever after" fairy tale ending isn't applied just to romance, although that's the most common. Millions of people believe that love, sex, or marriage will cause them to feel different forever, as shown by the high profits of matchmaking and dating services (not to mention the world's oldest profession). But just as many think the answer is making enough money, driving the right car, getting approval from their parents, being famous, or adhering strictly to a given moral standard (usually associated with religion). Perhaps the problem arises from thinking "the answer" exists outside yourself.

3. Do I complain more than once or twice a week? People do complain occasionally; it's a human characteristic. But if it occurs frequently and repetitively, it reflects failure to take responsibility. A person who complains is expressing their unhappiness and finding causes for it in the world around them. This is why the complaints are repetitive - if the unhappiness is caused by outside forces, there is no way to fix it (or so the person thinks).

4. Does my job (or husband, kids, next-door neighbor, the government) drive me crazy? If you answer 'yes' to this question, this is another indication that you blame outside forces for your unhappiness. You have probably heard the statement "No one makes you feel anything," but that may seem incomprehensible. How can you not feel hurt and angry if a coworker insults you, your boyfriend cheats on you, or your mother criticizes you? How can you not feel afraid when a mugger threatens you with a knife or a dog barks and growls menacingly? Keep reading!

5. Do I feel frustrated and helpless? Feelings of helplessness are inevitable when we give responsibility for our own happiness to anything outside ourselves. The reason for this lies in the common statement, "You can't control the weather." That lack of control applies to everyone and everything in our lives. We can influence other people and circumstances, but we cannot control them. Therefore, we are powerless if we give responsibility for our feelings to others.

Perhaps your son takes drugs, and you are worried about him. You are also angry because you believe he is throwing his life away - the life you so carefully nurtured when he was younger. You try to talk him into getting off drugs, telling him of the possible consequences and how they will affect you and the rest of the family. You may yell at him in frustration, your stomach in knots. Sleep may be almost impossible as you brood about the changes in him. Your physical health is affected, and you become emotionally drained. Happiness seems far away.

Maybe you go from religion to religion, trying to find one that is just right. Or you ruin your health with overwork so that you can make "enough" money to relax and be happy. You may desperately cling to a love partner, believing you can't be happy - or maybe not even live at all - without that person.

All of this is futile in the long run. Happiness can only come from within yourself, by taking responsibility for your own feelings. Nothing external releases you from responsibility for your own quality of life! Even with the help of a Higher Power (something greater than yourself), you are expected to do the "foot work." This is free will. You must make the choice to do what is necessary to achieve the quality of life you desire.

Being responsible means knowing that nothing and no one in your life can cause you to feel a certain way, and taking action accordingly. It means that when another person criticizes you, instead of immediately feeling hurt and angry you first examine the person's statements to see if you agree with them. Then, if you do agree, you make necessary changes in your behavior. If you don't, you toss them out! Being responsible for yourself means knowing yourself and being honest with yourself. You can't live on the banks of de-nial. Being responsible means that you make choices the best you can, then accept whatever happens as a result. Being responsible means you never, ever blame a person or event for your bad feelings - instead, you recognize that you have interpreted the situation so as to have the bad feelings. This doesn't mean the feelings aren't real. It simply means they are no one else's fault.

Being responsible does not mean complaining instead of taking action. Being responsible does not mean you have to clean up messes other people make in their lives; they in turn must be responsible for themselves. Being responsible does not mean you will always be happy. It does mean that you will no longer feel powerless, even in the most difficult situations, because you have learned to harness the power of your mind.

You may be wondering at this point what exactly you are supposed to do to create your own happiness. The first step is willingness to step into the darkness of the unknown. If you have not been taking responsibility, then responsible actions will feel completely foreign to you. For example, if you usually bail your son out of jail when he is arrested for possession, then complain to your friends about what he puts you through, it will be very difficult for you to change your actions and stop bailing him out. You must be willing to face this challenge.

The second step is changing your behavior - in this example, you would tell your son that you will no longer bail him out of jail, and then follow through. You may feel very guilty at first, and think there is no way this new behavior will bring you happiness. Remember, there is a reason you have allowed him to take advantage of you. At first you may identify it as loving him, but then you will realize it's all about your definition of love. You have defined "loving your child" to mean "taking responsibility for your child."

This leads to the third step - changing your definitions, beliefs, and attitudes. Once you re-define love as allowing someone you care about to learn from their mistakes, it will be much easier for you to stop bailing him out. Then you will no longer feel resentful and have no reason to complain!

Becoming responsible for your own happiness begins with an attitude of willingness and a set of new beliefs, which lead to changed behaviors. It also begins with an attitude of willingness and new behavior choices, which lead to changed beliefs and attitudes.