Steps & Stages in Abuse Recovery

The young woman beamed, happy and proud of her accomplishments, coining a new term: "I'm a Live-er!" As many do not reach that point, and others do not have a full understanding of the concept, this is a brief overview of the stages and steps of recovery from abuse-- what it means, and what it takes, to become a "live-er."

In plain language, there are three basic stages; how long a person remains in each, and whether he or she makes progress, depends primarily on the individual's willingness and motivation to acknowledge the problems, address them, and work through them. As a result, some may remain permanently immobilized in one stage-- or do what needs to be done to reclaim his or her life.

A person can be trapped in the Victim stage or role for years, decades or forever-- for as long as he or she continues to react to life, people and situations from the perspective of one who has been victimized; this stage affects how a person relates to himself, to others, and to the world in general. It is only in beginning to acknowledge and address the effects the abuse has had on him and his life that he is in the position of being able to move from Victim to Survivor, and, with it, the willingness to tackle the hard work necessary to loosen the hold the abuse has had. While being in the role of Victim essentially keeps a person in its control, the stage of Survivor is also extremely difficult because the person has quite a preoccupation with the subject; to be a "Live-er," one has fully worked through the "issues," and moved on. Contrary to some popular beliefs, if the recovery stage is thorough and complete, it is not necessary to "be in therapy for the rest of one's life," nor is one's future doomed to be colored by "the past." The recovery stage is hard work, time-consuming and difficult-- but well worth the effort in order to regain one's own life. The nay-sayers are generally those who are caught up in the "pop-psych" notion of spending the rest of one's life "healing"-- which is even more detrimental to recovery than not doing anything at all. Likewise is the notion that all one must do is "give it all over to God" or "share at the tables" in 12-Step Meetings. The bottom line is the issues and problems of abuse recovery are "on you" to begin dealing with-- don't expect someone else to solve it for you, and don't be convinced that you will "never be o.k. again."

In general, full recovery requires three factors, each with its own specific purpose. Plainly stated, it is absolutely essential for one to address it on a personal level, to interact with others, and to seek professional guidance; none of these factors can be overlooked. As a general rule-of-thumb, for one who is in the Victim stage, most which is relevant to recovery is "sitting just below the surface"-- the emotions surrounding the abuse are not recognized in their full value and context, and are, instead, a vague mixture of fear, anger, and confusion. The popular method of journaling is in most cases the best, bringing it all out into the open. The "immersion" method may cause a "flooding" of intrusive thoughts, feelings, and memories, as well as intense nightmares; but if the individual is strong enough to withstand these, it is usually the best way to proceed. Obviously this stage is most beneficial to a person if his normal processes of thoughts and emotions are not hindered by alcohol or drugs.

Interacting with others has numerous benefits: it will ease the Survivor's feelings of isolation and aloneness, and thereby help him or her gain a better perspective. One should be cautioned, however, that this step is not necessarily the favored one with which to begin; first, because it may lead one to intellectualize his issues rather than focusing on the all-important emotional standpoint, and also, if he has not put the effort into facing his own personal experiences he may be tempted to "minimize" either his own experiences or the experiences of others. After he has completed the most personal step, he may then benefit from interacting in group counseling or relevant 12-Step Programs, taking care to not become dependent on such Programs.

When facing abuse trauma is especially difficult, one should consult a professional for guidance and advice. Although the subject is not commonly addressed, professional assistance can also help the individual gain and maintain a healthy balance between his emotions and his intellect, as such confusion generated by abuse needs to be clarified and put into perspective.

The entire point and purpose of recovery is to identify the problems and work through them; it is not to make "recovery" the focus of the rest of one's life. If you have the willingness, motivation and courage to take the steps necessary, you can eventually "let it go," put it behind you, and be a "Live-er."