Sticks and Stones at Work - When Your Boss Crushes Your Spirit

Several years ago, I was flying high in my career, part of a training program in which I was learning many exciting things. The program was ending and I was working on a project that I was excited about, having had a couple of meetings in which the project team, the participants and I felt incredibly positive.

An invite appeared in my e-mail for a meeting with my boss. Throughout the program I'd had several of these, which usually just amounted to one on one sessions in which we discussed what I was doing. I assumed this was one of those.

I walked into my boss's office in a good mood. I figured word had gotten out that things were going well with the project, and I was in for a nice, productive meeting.

"Sit down."

I did.

"I wanted to let you know that I'm pulling you off the project."

A look of surprise popped onto on my face.

"I'm been hearing a lot of things on this project that I'm not very pleased about?"

BIG LOOK OF SURPRISE AND BEWILDERMENT ON MY FACE.

"I'm not sure what you're talking about. I thought things were going well," I said.

"I'm getting reports that you're negative, tough to work with, and not a team player."

At this point, my blood ran cold. My mind raced a million miles a minute trying to figure out who I crossed that would be saying this. Only one name comes to mind and that person always struck me as kind and professional enough to tell me if I'm out of line on something. Why hasn't anyone said anything before?

"I'm not sure what you're talking about. Who said this?"

"I'm not going to tell you that."

"Well how can I respond if I'm not even sure who or what I'm responding to?"

"It is someone I trust."

"Well, that would indicate you don't trust me and don't want to hear my side of whatever this issue is."

"This person wouldn't have said it if there weren't concerns."

The conversation continued, and I tried to make a weak stand for myself against a complaint from an anonymous person with few specifics.

I left the office crushed. Who had said this about me? What was my future in this program? Why is it my boss took someone else's word without talking to me first. When I relayed this to people I trusted and who I knew would tell me the truth, they were as shocked as I was. Nobody had heard a word. And certainly nobody confessed to saying anything. My confidence was shot. I spent the rest of the training program in a deep funk, working on nothing nearly as interesting as what I'd been pulled off of.

Recently I relayed this incident to a friend. We were talking about difficult bosses. He said something so simple that he may just as well have smacked me on the head and said, "WAKE UP DUMMY!"

"What if your boss was lying?"

Lying. So simple, yet it certainly fit the scenario. In the years following, I found out many things about my former boss. My boss had difficulty with most everyone that worked for him. He had minimal people skills. His first words to me when I called him to tell him my wife had given birth were, "when are you returning to the office?" And to cap it off, he never forwarded my personnel file (which should have had several years of information in it) to my next boss.

The sad thing is that in all these years, the idea that my boss was simply being a spiteful jerk had never crossed my mind. Every boss I'd had before that and after that had been fair and honest with me. The sad thing was that this incident took the wind out of my sails careerwise. I was formerly someone who could be critical and outspoken, but was always optimistic at work. After this happened, I just felt like the shoe was always ready to drop. Critical and outspoken became cynical. My confidence was a shell of what it had been.

Lessons Learned

People lie --I have no evidence to say that my former boss was telling a lie, but all the pieces fit together to point that way.

Ask for specifics -- In my circumstance, I was a new father and I believe that this played into my fear about pursuing the issue too hard. Did I really want to press hard on the man who controlled my fate? But if I had it to do over again, I wouldn't have stopped in my request for specifics. If someone is telling you something that doesn't seem to fit the facts, don't be afraid to ask for more information. Your boss should be ready and willing to provide these for you.

Go to HR and know your rights -- Again, this is easier said than done. Going to Human Resources about your boss is not something you do lightly, but it may be necessary. Most larger corporations have employee handbooks that you can use to know your rights and to direct you where to turn if you feel like you are being treated unfairly.

The opinions of one man aren't necessarily the opinions of all -- Do you like everyone you work with? Probably not. Do they all like you? Probably not. It sucks when your boss is one of those who doesn't like you, but it happens. The point is that no one person can or should control your self-worth. When I reflected on this incident and realized how much it colored my career, I was a bit shocked. Why did I put so much worth in one person's actions on one day out of thousands in my work career?

Get over it -- It's important to take criticism and take it well. But part of that is learning what you can and growing from it. This one day has been in my mind for years, never fully let go as part of who I am as a worker. For years this person has held power over me that I gave to him and never took back. It doesn't define me, nor should it. I should have let this go years ago. Now, after finally putting together the pieces that never made sense, I hope I have.

Do unto others -- The one positive of the incident is that I became much more aware of my peers and coworkers and quick to praise and thank them for a job well done. I also was slower to criticize when they fell short. Knowing how I felt when I was wrongly accused, I've tried never to provide the same negative feedback to others.