Still Here

I knew a man who I had a crush on who had cancer. I don't really know if he felt the same way about me, because he died. A few years ago, I met a man who was his friend. I started talking to him, mainly because of Chris. My friend asked me if I liked Sam, and I said I couldn't possibly have as many kids as he was interested in. He came from a prominent Christian family. They were really nice, and they had a big family. About the time Chris was dying, I had a large ovarian cyst removed and was able to recover. But it is harder when a man you really thought you could love is dying and you wonder why you're too scared to tell him how you feel. Instead, a lawyer asks you out and too desperate for someone to love you, you accept. But I was in pain in more than one way and I wasn't enjoying myself with my date.

To add insult to injury, my "friend" who I had said flirted with everyone, and as a result I thought it was my fault he couldn't get a date. When the reality is he was he was rude to me, interrupted my conversation with Chris, the last one we were to have. And I never was even invited to his funeral, and it wasn't until a long time after that I found out of his death.

Maybe he wasn't a saint. But he was always nice to me. "Whatever you want" was some of his words to me. And I want to honor his life. I never told anyone this before. Maybe because I never really had a relationship with him. Maybe its because I was so scared. Maybe because deep down inside I'm angry that he never asked me out when it would have destroyed me if we really had a relationship and he died. Now days, I feel like a failure. Nothing worked out the way I planned.

But he was a decent guy. Even if he did study to be a lawyer. And even though I'm still here, a part of me is crushed forever. Why did he die so young? If I had been brave would he have fought harder for me? I don't know. There's a lot of what if's in life But I feel like an idiot. And now his friend tried to hug me. Do I let him in? Do I tell him this heartbreaking truth? That the only reason I started talking to you was because of Chris? And that I feel like my animosity towards "Mark" is partly because of the way he stopped me from telling Chris how I really felt. And that Sam's friendship to Mark is a sore spot. And everyone tells me I over reacted to the way Mark hugged me so roughly. And over reacted to the way he looked at my rear. And overreacted when I told everyone he obviously wanted me and all these sluts wanted him. When he bumps and grinds right in front of me to hurt my feelings. I don't have time for his immaturity. And I certainly can't explain it to Sam.

So I am writing for the first time in my life. Really writing, about the true unfairness of life. That even when you become a Christian, life is just as messy as before, except now you're judged even more harshly than before. I tried moving on, tried to put it all behind me. But now I have to face the reality. That God humbles even those born with great minds and fine bone structure. That he can wreck havoc on your life and make you cower in a corner. That your sanity is so fragile, that you need to spend 10% of your day just trying to keep normal. That all your health problems are because you're too damn sensitive. And when you try to reach out for a spiritual solution, you get people judging you. Criticizing you. And making you feel worthless.

I'm still here damn it. And I don't want to be called J-lo and I don't want people telling me I'm stupid just because I don't appreciate people like "Mark" who are a bad influence on me and make me wonder if men really do love. And I tried moving on. But sometimes life is just so unfair, all you can do is remember someone and wonder what it would be like if things had been different. If I had been braver, if he really did love me, if this story had a happy ending, and I want to live on, and be healthy and honor his memory. And be brave. I don't have all the answers. And sometimes I say stupid things. But I believe that life shouldn't be taken for granted. And if you have ten months or forty years left on earth, don't be a fool and waste your time with hate.