Stocks Soar, Election Disappoints

Analysts and investors were shocked to discover that the general stock market showed a remarkable upswing. Overlooking the well-documented, well-predicted, bet-your-first-born-it'll-happen surge in equity following every recession in the history of free-market societies, most people concerned with the stock market were nonetheless surprised. Pundits and policy makers were relieved upon hearing the economic news and are beginning to revise their previous estimates of Armageddon-sized meltdowns, which were based on linear extrapolation of downward trends in production and pay. For it is the tendency of linear trends to be accurate in matters of social/financial dynamics. Similarly, phrases like "at this rate, unemployment, crime, poverty and the Rapture are poised to hit 666% by 2015" are starting to lose their luster. Understandably this is surprising to most people who dabble in free-market theory that, at the most painfully simplistic level comprehensible to a comatose baboon, accurately describes roughly-sinusoidal upward-trending functions of economic growth vs. time.

Someone disappointed over election results.

The winner of the 2008 presidential elections was announced recently. Almost immediately, there was an individual; several in fact, that plunged into a morass of melancholy. In fact, a few minor protests and demonstrations emerged in especially spaz-prone areas of the country. Activists, pundits, writers, and people from all walks of life expressed their grief at the unintentional stupidity of those fellow citizens that voted for the other dude. A story regarding election reactions featured especially photogenic sad-sacks. This was counted by several dozen million people tuning in as "news", despite the inevitable clash of glee and disappointment among politically citizens after every election, big or small, every single time. Ever. And the world didn't end. Not content with a doctorate dissertation of why the victor in general bring Satan to decapitate Love, angels, and toddlers, many analysts also went on and on about some political philosophy bullshit that made college lectures on the subject seem more exciting than sex with whipped cream. It was agreed among the moping whiny bastards that the winner embodied the worst ideas of Western civilization and is a hair's width away from implementing a reign of terror. Virtually all of them didn't see any contradiction between their hair-pulling visions of indefinite Death on Earth and planning for the next round of elections.

Wrongs of this grave and irrevocable mistake will surely be righted by the following: bake-sale fundraising, PTA meetings, The Fishermen's Guild, independent senior citizens, republican homemakers, Code Pink, Greenpeace, posters.

Take THAT, you genocidal kitten-killing usurper of liberty.