Stop Dressing Your Six-Year-Old like a Skank and Other Words of Delicate Southern Wisdom by Celia Rivenbark

I laughed out loud when I read Stop Dressing Your Six-Year-Old Like a Skank And Other Words of Delicate Southern Wisdom by Celia Rivenbark. Here are some highlights:

Over scheduling your child has become an epidemic. Moms run ragged with after school activities are fraying during the summer months. They schedule sports camps, day camps, art camps, play dates, and parties from dawn 'til dusk to keep little Sally/Billy occupied and expanding all day every day. Not Celia she thought her daughter was a kid and would do kid things and hang out with mom. WRONG! Children quickly become a product of their "school environment" no matter what you create at home. Celia's little princess bought into the over scheduled lifestyle of her friends. "I guess the thing I hadn't counted on was that, even on a day like yesterday, which included a three hour play date with a friend, a t-ball game, and a birthday party at an amusement park, my daughter would actually say, "I'm booorred" in the twenty odd minutes we had between rushing from place to place"

RE: child car seat laws - After Princess had finally said goodbye to the car seat the law changed to 8 years old or 80 pounds. Princess was mortified that she would be required to ride in a booster seat and thought it unfair that fat kids got a pass. After explaining that "fat is a negative word in the south, we prefer to use words and phrases such as big boned, or prosperous, but never fat. It's quite rude." Celia gives her daughter this advice, "Hon all your friends will be in booster seats, too. Well, I mean, except for the fat ones. Oh, sorry! And look it's not like the car seat really little kids use, the one with the vomity-smelling padded bar in front and all those dried Cheerios in the cushions. It's just the booster seat. No one will even know you're sitting on it." After more discourse on the humiliation of it all the final motherly advice is, "You got two choices. Suck it up for a few months or gain twenty-three pounds by January first." Princess responded:"Was that a Krispy Kreme we just passed?" I can feel for this as both my kids are super skinny and had to ride in seats until fifth or sixth grade. My twelve-year-old got on the scale once a week willing himself to be fat even though he only ate five things in the whole wide world.

There is a rant about how much the tooth fairy should bring for the first tooth. Celia eventually goes with what she considers and exorbitant amount but cushions the blow by leaving a disclaimer to curb future expectations. A few pages are devoted the discrepancy between the lifestyle of Barbie and her best friend, newly impregnated Midge. Unfortunately not being too into the girly things in life I only had a passing knowledge of Barbie and her schizophrenic history. Not to worry all was explained, as it turns out Midge is the not so beautiful not so talented, not so lucky in love, best friend whose only stroke of luck in life is that her best friend Barbie along with being a scientist, a model, an Olympian and a vet is also a doctor and well qualified to perform c-sections.

On Paris Hilton having a child: "Holy God, where is Dr. Phil when you need him? He needs to have one of those knee-touching sessions with Paris, look straight into her soulless eyes and say, "Paris, if you think raising up young'uns is the same as hauling around that Gucci dog carrier of yours with a two-pound mutt that looks like a toilet brush with eyes, you're crazier 'n cactus juice.""

There is a blight of celebrity inspired fragrances on the market and Celia has a few suggestions for additions before the next holiday season: " Rehab, a clean new scent from Whitney Houston? (Free gift-with-purchase: Bobby Brown's spicy scent, Jail Thyme.)"

There is a Dr. Seuss style poem about Madonna being a children's author, a bit about what plastic bracelets might say in the near future and a direct hit to diets such as Atkins and Weight Watchers with specifics on how to get the best results when weighing in. Possibly the greatest fashion faux pas ever, the holiday themed sweater explosion, is addressed as is the new craze in super expensive shoes and nipple jewelry. That's Miss Jackson if you're piercing me.

If you are an every-woman kind of gal this book is humorous from cover to cover. If you are on the board of Better Homes and Gardens you might find it appalling and if you worship celebrities and all their shortcomings there may be a few pages that will test your faith. Proceed with caution.