Stories from the Bowl II

Some stories are best left untold. Some are never forgotten. My brother cut off the hearse at my grandfather's funeral. I told the man on the phone, who asked for the homeowner that he had the wrong number. My friend, Dro literally scared the crap out of my dog when impersonating Hulk Hogan. Yes, some stories are best left untold, but some should never be forgotten.

3. Over Exposure

There was a recent period of time, where I went from temp agency to temp agency, looking for employment. At first, I stayed close to home, but I wasn't getting anywhere. I decided to venture further out, heading into Newburgh, and I met with a kind woman, who seemed optimistic about finding me work. It was a long trip home, so I asked to use the bathroom after the interview. I closed the door, turned the lock, and dropped my pants. As I began to rise from the bowl, the door swung wide open, and that woman stepped inside. Her mouth hit the floor, and she gaped at me for a long moment, taking in the full monty. Then, she slowly excused herself and ran outside. I never heard from that temp agency again.

2. A little to the left, A little to the right

Every morning before work, I walk the poodles, Charlie and FiFi. What a ridiculous name for a dog, but she loves it, a true pain in the royal ass. But Charlie couldn't care less because he was always too busy raping the giant, white cat, Leela. Anyway, these two poodles would go prancing about the lawn, looking for the perfect spot to squat, and normally, I'm good at not stepping into their handiwork. On this morning, I walked them as usual, and I let them back into the house to torment the cat. I jumped into my car and made my way over to the doctor's office. I was going in for an ultrasound before work, and it was pouring rain. I quickly found a spot close to the main doors and ran inside. The wait wasn't long at all, and the technician was again another kind lady. She asked me to lie on the table, and I complied with my heels pressing down. She then asked me to roll to the left, go on my back, roll to the right, and go on my back, and again I complied. The test was over, and she handed me a white, soft cloth to remove that nasty, blue goop that was now all over me. She stepped outside of the room, and I hopped off the table. As I began to wipe myself, a stain at the end of the table caught my eye, and I almost said, "That looks like -- " And then I saw it, the big, brown lump on the back of my left shoe, a present from the poodles.

1. Meow, I did it again.

My cat, Sheetrock (may she rest in peace) loved hiding. I had an apartment down in Lake Ronkonkoma, and I got hysterical one morning when I could not find her. I ran outside, called my boyfriend, ran back into the apartment, and then I heard her. She was meowing from the kitchen, but there was no sign of her. Then, two little, black paws reached into the air from the upper cabinet, and I climbed on top of the counter to see that she had wedged herself between the cabinet and the wall. I had to call maintenance, who came and pried off the board under the cabinet to get her out. Needless to say, she scared the crap out of me. Now, it's present day, and my family had bought me a kitty called Jillian, who behaves more as a child, who likes having tantrums. It was late at night, and she was off playing somewhere. I was tired and would look for her later, but first, nature called. I walked into the downstairs bathroom, closed and locked the door, and kissed the bowl. My thoughts were rampant, distracting, but I could have sworn that I heard a strange, scratching sound. I rubbed my eyes, thinking that it was my imagination, but the scratching grew louder. A chill raced down my spine, and I turned toward the bathroom sink, forgetting that the board underneath was gone. The scratching grew louder and louder, and a huge ball of fur rolled out from underneath. And I jumped off the toilet, ready to scream. Needless to say, she scared the crap out of me.