Story Time with Uncle Tony

Once upon a freakin' time, there was this blonde broad who lived in a house. Nice house, you know, but it was near the woods. So one day, this blonde, we're gonna call her Goldilocks because I can't come up with anything snappier being it's after lunch and I'm a little stoonahd over here, she decides to cope a mope down to the store, out the door, clippity-clop, she's gone.

She ain't gone ten minutes, boys and girls, when outta the woods comes three bears-the Papa Bear, the Mama Bear, and the baby bear. The whole team. Up to Goldy's door they come, they're lookin' for food, and they see she left a window open, and there's a pie cooling on the sill. Pops gets a look at this, boop, exit one pie. Then he looks in the window, and he decides maybe he should check out the inside, too. Bang, crash, kaboom. Exit one window.

It took a little climbin', this and that, but now the three bears are in the house, and the air quality at this point is goin' way down. They look around, and they see a bed. All three of them are tired, out of shape, probably, and sothis bed is looking really good at this point. Pops, being the Commandante, climbs on first, , but it's too small for him, his ass is sticking out over the side, his feet are hitting the ground, no good. So Moms gives it a ride. Well, another non-starter, boys and girls, because Mom has been knocking off the Oreos too, and when she tries to roll over, she hits the floor like a bowling ball. Two for two.

Now the baby bear hits the sheets, and the little cub fits very nice. It's just his size, and in five minutes, he's in Sleep City. Mom and Pop decide to let him sleep, and they curl up on the floor, and catch some z's too.

What do you think happens next, boys and girls? That's right, you little morons, Goldilocks comes back. Try to keep up, this ain't calculus over here.

Goldy strolls into what she thought was her joint, and here's three overweight, ugly, snorin', bears from the woods, plus you need a ladder to climb over the stench.

"But what the f...," Goldilocks said.

Nothing happens. Bears are still, like, out of touch.

"But WHAT THE F...!", Goldilocks repeats.

This time the bears come to, and now we got Goldilocks and the Three Bears and no pie.

"What are you doing here?" said Goldilocks.

Surprise, boys and girls, talking bears!

"We were looking for food," said Papa Bear, "and we saw your lovely little cottage, and decided to ask you for some but you weren't home, and the rest I don't remember."

"Yeah, that's right, " said Mama Bear. "And then your pie got blown away in the windstorm that broke the window."

Then Goldilocks looked at Baby Bear, who was yawning and scratching himself in places I hope, boys and girls, you never go near except when the camp counselors aren't watching.

"What's your story, kid?," said Goldilocks, whose idea of a good time did not include bear drool in her bed.

"I just wanted to sleep," he said in a small voice," and I never saw these two mooks before in my life."

Well, boys and girls, as you know, breaking and entering is very serious and Mama and Papa Bear were soon headed downtown, looking at three to five only because they had no priors.

Meanwhile Baby Bear and Goldilocks became good friends and though it was hard to buy him clothes even at outlets, and they're still looking for a deodorant that works, they lived in the house from that day on. They also slept in separate beds, let's get that straight.

And they lived happily ever after, especially since the Cubs are tearing up the National League Central and this could be the year.

THE END.