Strange Mutations in the White House...Chameleons...I Laugh When People Speak Spanish

Even a kind offer in another language or with a heavy accent in broken English seems obscene. The innocence associated with poor speech twists into a sinister veil that hides the true implications of the offer. I am actually extremely uncomfortable around other languages and think accents. Not for reasons of paranoia, but because I am always kind of wary about either agreeing too quickly, misunderstanding or making somebody feel bad.

Also, most of my foreign language education has been childishly devoted to learning amusing phrases such as, "Es un gato in mis pantolones." I just can't take what I say seriously in other languages because of this. I can't help but think maybe other people have the same sort of loose attitude about my language if it isn't their first. I have no doubt I could say and ask for the most heinous things in another language and just be unable to take it seriously.

Maybe that's what happened with Chavez and his devil comments. Maybe he just got caught up in the bombast of speaking in another language... No, wait, Chavez delivered his speech in Spanish. And of course Bush really is a red skinned devil. I am sure that television make up artists all over the country are shocked to see his glistening crimson skin as he is rushed into a private make up booth by secret service agents.

A couple hours later artists all around the country sit stunned on their couches drinking expensive wine paid for with hush money and shaking their heads, amazed at how Human Bush looks on television. "It's absolutely amazing isn't it? Such a healthy pink color to his skin under those harsh TV lights. It's just beautiful honey," he says to his wife, "Now bring me those caviar stuffed bell peppers. I want to destroy something expensive."

How must Laura Bush feel with Bush's cold, unnatural erection pounding away on top of her? Scaly, monstrous member slipping in and out of her... Oh wait, I know exactly how that feels. I think that most of us do, what with the country being raped two ways from Sunday. Soon the cold shock will wear off and maybe we will wake up at the end of it and reach numb fingers to the telephone and call the authorities. Call anyone who can help. Of course most rapes go unreported, maybe this one will too.

Until then, of course, we have to watch our backs. As Dick Cheney's dalliance with powers best left unnamed inevitably deepens we must watch for white house interns with terrible tentacles instead of legs. Keep an eye on Cheney's face. It is starting to look a little fishy. Perhaps taking on a bit of the Innsmouth cast...

Keep your eyes peeled for strange and unnatural MUTATIONS among the folks who work for the President. All sorts of deformities and blasphemies should be popping up around the President as his last term winds up and any idea of accountability evaporates. Combined with the unnatural forces at Cheney's command I predict gills and wide mouths on the President's personal frog men. Beware poison spitting secret service agents spraying paralyzing mist onto hostile crowds.

The President's old and personal friend Snr. Chavez will be murdered in the night by a giant chameleon. "The bastard was made out of glass! It was night time. What are we supposed to do?" say his personal guards. Sudden sightings of impossible blurs spring up all over the world. Flitting shadows in the cities slither around important figures. Body guards all over start getting a little twitchy and trigger happy.

Wait for the grand terror attack allowing Bush to assume short term royal decree powers and a shiny scepter. "Old World Communists and Taliban Cooperate to Dose America's Water With LSD!!" Only the President and his staff can be trusted. Their strict regimen of rain water and pure grain alcohol has saved them from the chemical madness that grips the rest of the country. "Who's paranoid now you scumbag public? Throw them in the stocks until they dry out."

Citizens rounded up into sober camps to come down. They are herded into giant shower rooms with strange nozzles on the ceiling and the sounds of giant furnaces in the background... Separate the women and children. They burn smoother that way.