Strange News of the Week: February 11, 2008

And, now, the news of the week:

First up, police in Akron were summoned to investigate a shoplifting call last Thursday. When they arrived, they found Mark Ott, who is 51, desperately trying to open his car in the parking lot. He had chips, pretzels, and other snack foods valued at about $40 stashed in his pockets.

The keys to the vehicle, however, were inside the locked car.

Ott was charged with theft and driving with a suspended license.

Sometimes it's all too easy for the police. Other times, not so much.

Abel Morin was sentenced to five concurrent life terms for kidnapping, burglary, and multiple rapes. Just hours after arriving at the prison in Hebbronville, Texas, though, the 24 year old escaped.

While being transferred between cells, Morin was left in a cell that was not securely closed, behind a gate that was not locked.

Sheriffs are investigating why the prisoner was left with what amounts to a get out of jail free card, if only he tried the door.

At the last update, Morin was still at large.

Evidently, locks have been something of a problem this week.

A woman's body was found in the parking lot of the Whiteside Mountain nature trail, in North Carolina, just outside of her locked SUV.

The Macon County medical examiner determined that she died of hypothermia. The police identified her as Sandra Ordner, of Daphne, Alabama. Also, they discovered the vehicle's keys locked inside.

She had phoned her husband just hours before to tell him she was going hiking.

Now, tragic as this story is, one must wonder: if faced with certain death, is it too much to just break a window?

The moral of the story: forget your keys OR your cell phone - not both.

In fact, stupid people and vehicles aren't mixing well at all.

A young girl in Houston was running a little late one morning last week. The bus came, and she hadn't finished her oatmeal.

So, naturally, she tried to bring it on the bus to finish it on the way. Alas, the driver informed her, her plan was flawed; the school district does not allow food on its busses.

That's when her father decided it would be a good time to be a 'tough guy.'

In a brilliant demonstration of why some people shouldn't have custody of their own kids, the perturbed parent pulled out a hand gun and opened fire on the bus.

Fortunately, no humans were injured. The school bus, however, had to be treated for several gunshot wounds. It is expected to make a full recovery.

The girl's father, though, is presently in police custody.

A gun-toting lunatic broke into a city council meeting in Kirkwood, Missouri, shooting several people, including the Mayor, before he was fatally shot by police.

The attacker was identified as Charles Thornton, known as "Cookie", who had a long history of disrupting council meetings. In fact, Thornton had been arrested twice for previous incidents, and had to be forcibly expelled from the most recent meeting.

What was the cause of all this animosity? According to records of the meeting he was expelled from, Thornton claimed to have been issued more than 150 tickets. Yes, traffic tickets.

Apparently, the man prided himself on being out of control. Obviously, it didn't end well.

But nothing beats family matters for a sore subject.

A North Carolina man was arrested for circumcising two of his eleven children himself. He would not allow their mothers to take them, ages 1 and 2, to the hospital for the procedure, but instead insisted on performing the operation personally. He used a box-cutter style utility knife.

Obviously, both children suffered injury, and one had very extensive bleeding.

Bridgett Donahue awoke early one morning to discover a horror looking back at her in the mirror. She'd recently had surgery, and was suffering a severe reaction to some of her follow-up medication, causing much of her face to swell.

Right away, her husband rushed her to the nearest hospital, but, through an unfortunate happenstance, they were met not by medical staff, but police. The officers were on the lookout for a suspect wanted for beating women, and, upon seeing Bridgett's condition, which they took for signs of abuse, assumed her husband to be their man.

Guns drawn, they dragged him out of the family car and were in the process of cuffing him before their mistake became obvious. Another person, tending to Bridgett, became aware that her apparent injuries were not due to beating, but still required urgent medical attention. In fairly short order, the truth came out.

Which just goes to show, police should leave making diagnoses to the experts.

And doctors would do well to leave handling violent offenders to the police...

On February 5th, a former patient stormed into a pain-management doctor's office and struck the physician with his cane.

The man, David Hugerford of Vero Beach, Florida, was a 51 year old complaining of being billed for services he'd never received. But, instead of simply filing a complaint, he apparently decided to take it out of Dr. David Glener's hide.

Once Hugerford struck him, though, Dr. Glener was through playing. He pulled a Glock 9mm and told his assailant that he would use 'necessary force' to defend himself.

Hungerford was charged with aggravated battery and breach of the peace.

In today's world, it sometimes seems as though the absurd has become commonplace. But, just when you think it couldn't get any worse...

In Victoria, Australia, a woman had to endure one of the worst kinds of tragedies, a miscarried pregnancy. But, it wasn't until after that traumatic experience that the real nightmare began.

As she opened her hospital bag, where her personal items were stored, she came upon a wrapped towel with her name on it. She opened the bundle, and was horrified to discover that a staff member had packed the dead fetus in with her belongings.

Nurses bore witness when they rushed in to answer the woman's screams.

Luke Mullane, spokesman for Ballarat Health, made a statement assuring the public that there is absolutely nothing amiss. "Ballarat Health Services offered all necessary support services to assist the family in coming to terms with the loss at the time and is continuing to do so."

This event is not the first in recent months to result in a lawsuit against the facility. The hospital has offered to accept suggestions on how to improve patient care.

But, sometimes, not know what you're doing can end up saving your life.

A British teen was playing with her grandmother's blood pressure machine, and, by pure accident, found a clue that could save her life.

Even though Amea O'Nion, 17, was playing doctor, the blood pressure readings on the screen were real - and dangerously high. She went to a hospital straight away, where she learned that her kidneys were failing. She could have suffered a heart attack at any time.

If not for fooling around with the medical device, she never would have known.

Other times, though, just getting to the hospital can be a real pain.

A 76 year-old grandmother from Staten Island had a very bad day. She wasn't feeling well, so she went to a nearby doctor's office. There, a brief examination revealed that she was in the middle of a heart attack.

An ambulance was summoned, but then things got worse. As the elderly lady was being loaded, while an oxygen mask was being strapped on, a receptionist came out of the office and stopped the paramedics.

Then, emergency on hold, she said to the patient, "Well, I hate to bother you, but could you give me the $5 co-pay?"

It's enough to give even a healthy person apoplexy.

But while insurance has its problems, even the most ridiculous has its limits.

Police in Sutherlin, Oregon were stumped when an antique slot machine went missing from a citizen's home. There were no signs of forced entry, and even fewer suspects. A break in the case turned up when an insurance company called, asking about any suspicious activity.

Officers learned that a local woman had filed a claim for a broken window in her husband's van. When the insurance company had asked her what caused the damage, the wife - who works as a housekeeper in the machine owner's household, and, thus, has keys to the home - said that her husband broke it while stealing a slot machine.

Duh.

Sure enough, the missing machine was recovered from the claimants' property. Less surprising, the insurance claim was denied.

Sometimes the crap comes raining down - literally.

A woman from Calgary, Canada, was shocked - and a little awed - when her home's roof was smashed in by a ball of blue from the wild blue yonder.

John Lee, of the Canadian Transportation Safety Board, confirmed that the 'dirty bomb' was made up of icy toilet water, human waste, and other chemicals. It had been jettisoned from the lavatory of an over flying airplane.

Having come from on high, controversy has now arisen as to whether blue ball qualifies as "Holy ____."

A young mother from Anderson, Indiana, was arrested last week after several parents complained that she offered beer and marijuana to children at her daughter's 11th birthday party.

According to police, Davita Fuller presented the drugs and alcohol to her daughter as a birthday present, then asked if three of her daughter's friends might like some.

Needless to say, the youngsters told their own parents, who are considerably more competent. They, in turn, informed the police.

Ms. Fuller has been charged with felony contribution to the delinquency of a minor.

A St. Augustine, Florida woman was caught driving drunk on Superbowl Sunday on US 1. A Sheriff's Deputy saw her run a red light, then swerve back and forth over the highway's center lane, before he could pull her over.

But what makes this story interesting is that this woman was not only hammered, but she had a case of beer securely buckled up in the passenger seat beside her - and her own one year old girl sitting in the back with no restraint at all.

The baby had neither belt nor car seat. While the mother drove drunk.

But at least the beer was safe.

Charges are still being tabulated. A shorter list would be to rule out the laws the woman didn't break.

And sometimes it's the officials who are supposed to be looking out for kids that need to be restrained.

Al Zimmerman, of Hillsborough, Florida, was arrested on February 8th on child pornography charges. Police found the stash in the home of the 40 year old - who has worked as a spokesman for the Department of Children and Families since early 2005 - after receiving reports that he solicited teens for sex.

Two girls reported that Zimmerman used his position to gain their trust, then tried to get them to perform sex acts on camera.

This man isn't just any ordinary prevert; he's a producer.

The absurdities continue...

An 18 year old from Elizabethtown, Pennsylvania, is being accused of terrorism - over a plastic egg.

Police say the youth, who is facing charges of 'possessing a weapon of mass destruction,' among others, detonated said egg, which was filled with air pellets, in a public place. Five people were struck by the fluffy bits of foam.

"We gotta de-feat the terrorists," said President Bush, adding "He-he-he."

Police in Laramie, Wyoming believe that three 13 year old girls were attempting to start a riot.

During a lunch period at school, the girls were observed "giggling", a clear indication of a conspiracy of the darkest order. Police became involved when rumors began circulating that a "food fight" was brewing.

When a school security officer noticed the girls "throwing a French fry at each other," it became obvious that there was a deliberate, methodical effort on the part of these students to lead an uprising against the civil order.

Police Chief Bob Deutsch said, "They saw it as really the planning of a riot." "They intended on ... starting something that no doubt would have the potential of getting out of control," he added.

The girls were citied by police for "hurling missiles," an adult violation, and were also suspended for three days.

The city prosecutor could not be reached for comment.

A 19 year old from Brooksville, Florida was jailed Sunday night for the dubious crime of singing in public.

According to the Hernando County Sheriff's Department, a complaint was filed by Amy Churchill, mother of two, against Christopher Holder. Holder was walking with two juveniles near Churchill's home, when she heard what she referred to as "language."

Clearly, using language in public is a serious accusation, especially in the presence of juveniles. Quick police action, however, put this dangerous offender safely behind bars before he could further contaminate the neighborhood with strange ideas that could undermine the moral fabric of society.

Who ever heard of such nonsense as 'Freedom of Speech', anyway? Where do kids like Holder think they live - America?