Strange News of the Week: February 18, 2008

Here's the top news of the week that you haven't heard about:

Judge sentences man, then marries him

It was a bittersweet Valentine's Day for Kevin Felder and Misty Johnson. Just minutes after Judge James Mazzone sentenced Felder to 5 to 18 years for robbery, he personally performed a marriage ceremony for the couple.

Felder was convicted of stealing $340 from a convenience store. Though the crime seems rather minor, Felder was already on probation for a domestic violence crime against his soon-to-be bride.

While one might be tempted to ask, 'What was she thinking?' of the bride, being that her newly-wed husband has already been convicted of abusing her, and is now off to prison for a long stay, one must also wonder what he was thinking. Not only did he marry the girl that pressed charges against him - and stayed with him through that - but that very day, he'd already been given one lengthy sentence. That Felder voluntarily added a 'ball and chain' to his predicament forces one to question the sanity of both members of the 'happy couple'.

Ghostbuster hired to deal with Stalking Sewer Zombie

Employees of a sewage plant in East Sussex are scared witless by the strange appearance of a "humanoid figure" that stalks them through the tunnels.

To deal with the problem, workers hired Michael Kingscote, a parapsychologist.

The investigation proved inconclusive, however, owing to the presence of strong electromagnetic fields in the tunnels themselves. Strong fields can make a person feel as though they are being watched, or even being touched by something that is not there.

Naked Cowboy Sues

Robert Burck has made his living for the last several years by giving live guitar shows in Times Square - in nearly nothing at all.

Calling himself 'The Naked Cowboy', his trademark attire is a pair of western-style boots and a cowboy hat, with nothing in between but a pair of tidy whities (due to public nudity laws). He even carries a white guitar to complete the look.

He's become something of a celebrity in recent years, with several television appearances, including one audition for American Idol.

And now the cowboy is all riled up.

He's suing Mars Incorporated, the company that makes M&Ms candies, for $6.5 million, claiming that they stole his look for a Times Square billboard.

The ad in question bears a blue personification of the chocolate treats in a remarkably similar outfit to the cowboy's, right down to the white guitar.

However, the ad was designed by a firm in Ohio, so it may be that the creators were ignorant of the Cowboy's "brand image."

New Yorkers declined comment when asked if Burck also melts in your mouth, but not in your hand.

80 year old puts attackers in hospital

Another cowboy came out swinging this week.

James Pickett, an 80 year old from Texas, was beset by a pair of masked malefactors, intent on mugging an easy victim. Boy did they pick the wrong guy.

Pickett is a World War II vet, a retired firefighter, and a life-long John Wayne fanatic.

To keep this G-rated, we'll just say that Pickett was the faster draw.

Paul and Holden Perry, the assailants, were sent running like the proverbial yellow-dog-with-his-tail-between-his-legs. They didn't get far, and were soon hauled off by ambulance.

Said Pickett of the incident: "I'm a better shot," and, "They best not come back."

The reason the brothers managed to get away, still needing the services of an ambulance (as opposed to a Hearse)? "I run out of bullets."

State Rep calls 'Crack Tax' unfair

New York Assemblyman Jeffrion Aubry has a problem with Governor Eliot Spitzer's proposal to collect sales tax on the illegal drug trade: It's unfair to the drug dealers.

He said, "This component adds another financial hardship on people who don't have a lot of money."

Additional criticism of the so-called 'crack tax' include the valid point that drug dealers are already breaking the law by selling illegal drugs; why would they hesitate to fail to send the state its cut of the proceeds?

Also, there is the minor matter of said drugs still being illegal, so any dealer that did pay up would also be tipping off the authorities to his/her presence, and, in turn, be risking the confiscation of his/her entire inventory, and probably be awarded a lovely set of silver bracelets to go with a nice long-term vacation package.

In light of these trifling matters, it's easy to see how Assemblyman Aubry's worries of hardship should take precedence.

Mom whores out daughter for rent

Also in New York, a Binghamton woman is facing charges of whoring out her own daughter.

Linda O'Connor, 46, allegedly rented her 12 year old daughter out for sex with strangers twice in 2006 and 2007, and also gave her to her landlord, Dean Sacco of New Jersey, on several occasions, in lieu of a rent payment. The latter assaults were photographed by the loving mother; the former, to drum up some money to take the child Christmas shopping.

Because of the photographs, O'Connor is also facing pornography charges, and could be sentenced to life in prison.

And another crazy mom story:

Mother throws baby while calling 911 on herself

A new mother from Plano, Texas was indicted by a Grand Jury for child abuse.

Padmaja Enjeti, a 38 year old, allegedly dropped her 22 month old daughter from a 2nd story balcony on purpose. Then, she did it again - while talking to a 911 emergency dispatcher.

Fortunately, the child did not suffer serious injury, and is presently in her father's care.

Enjeti's attorneys say that she has been suffering from schizophrenia since the baby's birth. She has been ordered into treatment while awaiting trial.