Strange News of the Week: February 25, 2008

Dog Walker Shoots Himself

A man from Palm Bay, Florida put the lie to the notion that everyone who has a weapons permit is actually competent last Tuesday when, while out for a stroll with his pooch, he accidentally pulled the trigger on himself.

He was walking down a busy roadway, and brought the gun along because he didn't feel safe. Because a gun will be effective against an out-of-control car, of course.

Instead, the man proved to be his own greatest safety risk, and ended up in the Palm Bay Community Hospital. Adding embarrassment to injury, hospital staff had to notify police, as per local laws, that they were treating a gunshot victim. The police, then, were obligated to investigate, which, in turn, resulted in a public-record report appearing in the local news.

Woman Dies Rescuing Dead Chicken

Last weekend, a 63 year-old Swedish woman ended up offing herself when she tried to fish a dead hen out of a well. Apparently, the chicken had been trapped at the bottom of a dry shaft for some time, and eventually starved to death. The elderly lady felt the need to "rescue" the carcass, for some reason unknown, and slipped on the rim, falling in herself. Her body was later found by her shocked husband.

Medical examiners say she died from the fall.

Which just goes to show, when you go fishing for feathered foul, you're liable to fail.

Police Told Homicide Victim to Stop Calling

Natasha Hall was afraid of her ex-boyfriend. Friends, family, and, seemingly, everyone except the DeLand, Florida police knew all too well that Clay Coffner, the ex, was jealous, abusive, and psychotic - which is partly the reason the couple split up.

Yet, when Hall, who was 17, called the police for help, she was told to stop calling or she'd be arrested. She was later found dead outside her mother's home. She'd been shot in the head by Coffner, who had then turned the gun on himself.

The DeLand police department could not be reached for comment, or, apparently, anything else.

Texas Store Clerk Dodges a Bullet, Returns Fire

In an amazing old-school shoot-out, a store security camera captured the drama as a would-be burglar aimed a gun at the head of a convenience store cashier in Longview, Texas and, with less than two feet between his weapon and his target, pulled the trigger. He didn't miss, she dodged.

At the very instant the bandit fired, the woman behind the counter leaned to the right, clearing the path of the projectile - at point-blank range.

She then grabbed her own pistol, kept under the counter for just such an occasion, and shot back. Unfortunately, she missed, as the thief (wisely) chose that moment to run away.

Britain Invaded - By Killer Fish

It seems like a skit by Monty Python, but 'the attack of the monster killer fish' is a frightening reality for citizens of Great Britain.

A Giant Snakehead, a huge fish with a mouth full of dragon-like teeth, was caught in one of the rivers of Linconshire, in northern England.

What makes the fish so scary? It can - and will - kill and eat anything. Including humans. Worse, it can crawl out of the water, move about on land, and survive on the surface for up to four days.

This particular breed of 'hell-fish' hails from Southeast Asia, but authorities believe this one may have been smuggled into the country, then illegally released. They pray there was only one.

All parties involved are in complete agreement: if the Snakeheads start breeding in England's waterways, it would be an unparalleled disaster. One Environmental Agency official said of the discovery: "Oh, S***!"

It's no wonder; the species is one of the most invasive - and dangerous - on the planet. They can grow to upwards of three feet long, and weigh in at 44lbs.

In 2002, colonies found in the US terrified locals, who could not seem to kill the monsters off. Eventually, entire lakes had to be poisoned while snipers waited along the shore to take out any of the demon-fish that sought to escape.

Bank Accidentally Gives $5 Million to the Wrong Man

In a stranger-than-fiction snafu, tellers at a Commerce Bank in Florida handed $5 million to a man with exactly the same name as the chap to which the funds rightly belonged.

When Benjamin Lovell, a simple salesman, told the tellers he did not have a $5 million account, they assured him that the money was his, and he could do what he wanted with it. So, he withdrew $2 million of what the bank itself told him was his own money, and is now being prosecuted for Grand Larceny.

Commerce Bank has not disclosed whether Mr. Lovell was given access to the other man's account, or if tellers mistakenly deposited the funds incorrectly to begin with.

All of which proves the old saying: easy come, easy go to jail, do not pass go, do not collect $2 million.

Monk Mangled by Unmanned Mower

A Buddhist monk in England suffered a tragic accident when his riding lawnmower decided to take off without him. The brave brother chased down the mulching monstrosity, but slipped at just the wrong moment, and was dissected by the whirling blades.

Ironically, Revered Handa, the victim of the marauding machine, suffered a previous injury in a very similar way. Ten years ago, another mower claimed three of his fingers.

Investigators said that it was a freak accident; the hand brake had failed, so it was impossible to keep the blasted thing still without turning it off.

The path of wisdom revealed here: always make sure your equipment is working before you try to use it.

Students Suspended for Wearing Crosses

To be precise, two teenagers in Oregon were suspended for refusing to remove crucifixes that they wore to school. It is the disobedience that triggered the suspensions.

But, what's the big deal? Are the schools in Oregon trying to ban religion?

Frankly, no. What's going on is that gangs have gotten wise to the various restrictions on gang-related attire in schools. So, to keep their colors showing, they've started using religious symbols as a way to show their affiliations.

Because crucifixes and other such objects are traditionally religious in nature, few people would suspect that they could be coded gang messages. Which is exactly the idea. Even when gang members are caught with such a display, they can always claim that someone is trying to interfere with their rights to religious practice.

Thus, by default, school administrators had to be given the leeway to order the removal of potentially gang-related symbols - even crucifixes.

And that's exactly where things stand. Now, in Oregon, you can be religious all you want, but might have a hard time showing it. Don't blame the schools, though; none of this would be a problem if it weren't for the gangs.

Man Dies in Crash wearing Fake Seatbelt

New Zealander Ivan Segedin died in a car crash because he didn't wear his seatbelt. But what sets this story apart from thousands of others that happen every year is that he was wearing a fake.

Ivan had been fined 32 times in the last 5 years for not wearing his seatbelt. Finally, having had enough, he fabricated a fake one to give passing police the impression that he was actually buckled up - even though his car was equipped with the genuine article.

His efforts cost him his life.

In a low-speed collision, Segedin was thrown into the steering wheel of his car, resulting in multiple injuries that proved to be the death of him. His simulated strap did not save him, as a real belt would have.

Considering all the suffering and effort that went into his subterfuge, wouldn't it just have been simpler to suck it up and buckle up?

Groom Ditches Bride for Another - in Middle of Ceremony

A soon-to-be-married couple in the Philippines suffered a sooner-than-expected break up - during their wedding ceremony.

Over before they even began, the pair had just about completed their vows - the groom had been about to say "I do," when another woman walked into the back of the chapel shouting, "Stop!"

The groom hesitated only for a moment before abandoning his bride-to-be at the altar, and walking over to the intruder. He gave her an affectionate hug, in front of all those assembled, and then took off with her in a taxi.

Depending on one's perspective, that's either the most horrible, or most romantic story in over a hundred years. Either way, it may prove to be an expensive one; the forsaken bride is suing the groom for her emotional distress.

The damages: the rough equivalent of $15,000.

Too Drunk to Drive: Man Runs Over Wife

Richard and Becky Zubowicz, attempting to duplicate a story seen here last week, were fighting over which of them was too drunk to drive. Turns out they were both right.

Becky had been driving initially, but, after a number of close-calls, Richard decided to take over. When they pulled into an empty parking lot to have it out, Richard hopped behind the wheel, to 'prove his sobriety', and made a circuit of the lot to demonstrate that he could drive safely.

While doing so, he accidentally ran Becky over with their SUV.

Death Threat Elmo, the Newest Toy Sensation

Maybe Elmo is jealous of Paris Hilton's success as a failure. Maybe all the singing finally made him snap. Whatever the reason, one Elmo Knows Your Name ™ doll, belonging to 2 year-old James Bowman of Lithia, Florida, has given up laughing, and is now making death threats.

This evil-Elmo recently went through a battery change, and, for some as-yet unknown reason, when he was turned back on, he would only say, "Kill James."

Fisher-Price has no explanation for the toy's deviant behavior, but has said it will replace the doll free of charge. How lovely.

Canine Car Thief

Ever had a buddy play that trick where they move your car on you while you run into a store for 'just a minute'? Well, not to be left out, man's best friend is now in on the game too.

Charles McCowan stopped into a mini-mart last week, leaving his loyal companion, Max, an 80 pound boxer, in the passenger seat. Upon his return, the truck had vanished.

Naturally, McCowen thought his truck had been stolen. In a round-about way, it was. When police arrived to investigate, they found the missing vehicle in a parking lot on the other side of the street, out of gear.

Strangely, though, security camera footage of the caper tends to discredit ideas of an accidental disengagement: the video shows the truck - sans driver - threading its way through traffic, and around other cars parked in the adjacent lot.

Stolen Car Driven to Police Station

Charles Chambers lost $2,000 in a drug bust last year. Last Tuesday, he decided to get it back.

He stole a car to travel to the Anderson Country Sheriff's Office, where he demanded that they return the money confiscated from him as evidence. Naturally, they told him to get lost, but began to rethink that idea when they noticed that his wheels matched the description of a car stolen just three hours before.

Their suspicions were confirmed when they asked Chambers to turn the car off. He had to use a screw driver, because he'd removed the ignition switch.

It was at that point that they asked him to step back inside...

Plane Lands on Interstate

When Eisenhower proposed the Interstate Highway System, he wanted to accomplish a number of things with a single, sweeping project.

Near the bottom of that list, he envisioned the potential of the roadway as an emergency landing strip.

On Sunday, one pilot was very glad that he had. Babar Suleman, of Plainfield, Indianna had to put his Piper single-engine plane down on I-70 in hurry; he'd lost power at just 7,000 feet.

The plane was there for two hours, undergoing repairs on the side of the road, while one lane of the highway remained open. Traffic was only stopped briefly, when the plane was ready to take off again.

No tickets were issued; this sort of thing is, after all, part of why the Interstate was built.