Strange News of the Week: January 7, 2008

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And now for the news of the week.

On Thursday, the San Francisco zoo reopened for the first time since the infamous tiger attack, and they've put all kinds of new security features in place. For one, they've shut down the lion and tiger exhibits - oh my! - and they've put a new public alert system in place, along with signs that read 'Do not tease the animals.'

Just a thought: if I'm dumb enough to need a sign like that, I might have trouble reading it. Better make that warning a once-a-minute broadcast over the PA system. That way, you cover patrons with ADD too.

This kind of 'duh' puts me in mind of the winner of the recent dumbest warning label contest. One man brought in a caution from a lawn tractor that read "Warning: Avoid Death." Durrr. That's right up there with "If dismembered, seek medical attention."

But, even better than that, the Retard of the Week award goes to one Mr. Bo Bai of Fishkill, NY. Bai is a computer consultant, so, you might expect that he's a fairly smart guy. Apparently, though, he puts too much faith in his technology, as, when driving he followed the guidance of his GPS navigational device - to the exclusion of actually looking where he was going. When the device told him to turn right, he did - right into a train.

His car got caught between railroad crossing barriers, and was struck at 60 miles per hour. Alas, he's out of the running for a Darwin Award, because he did manage to escape from the vehicle before the collision.

He shouldn't be too disappointed, though, because he does get something out of it all: he'll receive, courtesy of Belrad Universe, an honorary dunce cap, complete with foam under-helmet, to keep him from accidentally hurting himself when he bangs his head against a wall crying 'why me?'

Next up, the Iowa Caucus results are in. I've got to say, this one surprised the babushka out of me! Obama destroys the competition, taking away a hefty score of 39%! Hillary, the self-declared 'leader', and anointed successor, came in a distant 3^rd, with only 29% of the vote.

Even Mr. $400 haircut, the champion of the 'common man' (provided said 'common man' can afford $400 for a haircut) beat her out.

But, most of all, this is great news for America. Now, as most of you know, I don't like politicians. I can't stand politicians. But, I'm excited over Obama - why?

Because Obama isn't a politician. He's a "Leader". I know it's difficult for Americans to see the distinction, because we haven't had a real leader in so very long, but he is one. It's not just charisma - it's a mind that cares enough about what's right, not just winning, to impassion him to aspire to greatness, and a heart courageous enough to take action.

Consider this: I recently read an article about Republicans for Obama. In this red/blue society we've got, that in and of itself is highly unusual. The author said that he'd been a typical zombie of the right, believing that anyone without an elephant on his lapel (or, more precisely, a lemming) was a person who hated America - and then he heard one of Barack's speeches. It's amazing how knowing what the hell you're talking about changes your view of things, no?

So, he got snared. He started reading up on Obama, learning more about him, instead of just deciding that he's evil without knowing anything real about him. Instead of taking Rush's word for it, this man was thinking for himself - and finding that the things Barack has to say make a lot of sense; more sense than anybody else, on the right or the left, is making.

When a friend of his discovered the closet Obama-philia, the friend tried to 'save his soul', but instead, was treated to real examples of what Barack says and thinks, not just the rhetoric and bias that keeps our society polarized. The friend didn't want to hear it, going so far as to cover his ears and go "lalalalala" to drown on the sinful threat of rational thought. Inevitably, though, cruel reality intruded, and the friend's comforting illusions were shattered. He couldn't cover his ears all the time, and Barack's diabolic message of hope got through. Now, the friend is a convert too.

As for me, I hate politicians. There is not one good thing to say about any one of them. But, for Barack? The ONE and ONLY bad thing, the only complaint I have ever heard about him, and the only reason people who know what he really stands for can cite not to vote for him, is that his middle name is Hussein.

Now, I can understand that there will be a certain element of the population that will be racist in their voting. I'm sure there are people who just will not vote for Barack because he's black, just as there are those who won't vote for Hillary or Huckabee because they're women. But, to justify a hatred because of a NAME??

He didn't pick his name, his parents did. And, he had that name long before America had a problem with Iraq. I wonder if, during World War II, people with the middle name of 'Adolf' were ostracized. It's bloody ridiculous!

Stereotypes are one of the most pervasive forms of ignorance, but is prejudice because of a name even up to the level of a stereotype?

There's a lot more to stereotyping than simple discrimination or prejudice. As Shawn Hannity demonstrated this week, yet again, you can also stereotype an entire political party. Apparently, Hannity thinks that if you say something in a negative enough tone, it doesn't matter the words are that are coming out of your mouth. In that regard, he made an ass of himself, yet again. This time, he went off on the evils of the entire Democratic Party, but with a whole new twist, saying: "They all were in support of college education."

Oh. My. God. Those liberal socialist liberal nazi elitist liberal scum! How DARE they suggest that the slaves, er, common folk better themselves by going to college. Even openly support it! What is wrong with them!

People wonder why I pay attention to such obviously mentally challenged morons. Because it's funny, of course! Yes, it's true, not all of the stuff on this program is world-shaking, but it IS interesting, if only in a sick kind of what-is-wrong-with-the-world sort of way. Why else would I even mention this next story?

That's right, folks. Britney had another breakdown (again). On Thursday, police were called to break up a dispute between the heavily intoxicated Spears and ex-hubby K-Fed's bodyguards. According to reports, Federline summoned the police because he was afraid that Britney would shoot their two young boys, and it is confirmed that she refused to return the children after her visitation was over. The standoff with police lasted for three hours, before Spears finally backed down and allowed the children to leave with their lawful custodian. Needless to say, her rights to further visitation have been suspended.

But the story doesn't end there! God, no, not for Britney. She was taken to a nearby psychiatric facility where she received some very unorthodox treatment - a personal visit from Dr. Phil! Brit had actually been discharged by the time Mr. McGraw arrived, and didn't take too kindly to being preached at. So, it seems even Mr. Morality isn't above cashing in on the dramatics, eh? Here's more: Brit's parents are appearing on Dr. Phil's show on Tuesday's broadcast to talk about the hysterics.

When you think about it, it's no wonder Britney's in such a state - everyone, every single person that's close to her in her life, cares more about money than her. Could YOU stand to be that unloved, no matter how rich?

But they aren't the only ones cashing in on the despicable. The famous as-seen-on-TV kids music brand, Kidz Bop, is going money crazy. Their latest release, due out in February, of "today's most popular kid-friendly songs", features a tune promoting suicide! Here's a clip: (sound clip).

That would be the ultra-popular "Beautiful Girls" by Sean Kingston. For those of us who don't speak rap-ese, the words are: "You have me suicidal, suicidal when you say it's over." And, yeah, that's kid-friendly like a Catholic Priest!

Expected in their next volume: the legendary rap hit "Cop Killer" and Afroman's classic, "Because I got high".

There are plenty of things these days that offend our sensibilities. In today's ultra PC world, it's almost refreshing to find something legitimately offensive. Well, ever eager to satisfy, Dominoes Pizza has the answer.

In one of their new commercials part of the "You got 30 minutes" ad campaign, a man places an order by phone, then says to his wife "The lady said we've got 30 minutes. Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" He then appears wearing some kind of male lingerie. His girl replies, "But what are we gonna do with the other 28 minutes?"

I've got to hand it to Dominoes. Say what you will, they've got balls. Never have I seen a company so aggressively try to drive away business. First, they launch this 'You've got 30 minutes' crap, which, incidentally, is not a guarantee - and, if they show up late, they CONGRATULATE YOU: "Lucky you - you got free bonus time!" Yes, if your order takes longer than 30 minutes to get there, you lucked out! You get extra time, all to yourself, for free!!! Why don't they just say what they're thinking: Mr. Customer, we think you're a retard.

Now, they've got this new commercial that is the single most degrading thing towards males that I have ever seen. It's funny, yes, but so are black jokes and women-are-stupid jokes. It is nothing more than cheap, derogatory, sexist humor, and it really shocks me that it even made it through production without someone panicking over a potential lawsuit.

Don't get me wrong here - I personally love offensive humor, and I do find this commercial funny. My problem comes from the fact that it IS offensive. If this country is so PC that Don Imus gets fired, not because he's an ignorant hate-monger, but because he said 'Nappy-headed hos', then how in the world did this thing make it on the air?

It's bad enough that Dominoes gets rid of every hit product they carry, from the Brownies to the Oreo Cookie pizza, everything that sells too well goes the way of the Do-do. Now, they're calling their customers stupid, and passing off blatantly sexist jokes for ads. I swear, the CEO must own stock in Pizza Hut, because he seems hell-bent to run the company right out of business.

Dominoes isn't the only one canning profitable products. Wegmans, a regional chain the Northeast, which makes products featured in NBC's "The Office", has made a controversial decision to stop carrying all tobacco products in all of their stores, which cover much of New York and four surrounding states. The reason they cited was that even though the products are profitable, there is a health concern.

Wegmans has been nationally recognized several times as one of the best companies to work for in the United States, and, as far as I can determine, they are the first grocery chain to make the switch from carrying tobacco to not. Others have never carried it, but this is the first instance of dropping the products. In fact, that's probably the first case of a grocery chain dropping any product that was actually profitable. This differs from other kinds of businesses, like pizza shops or TV networks, which, as a rule, drop their MOST profitable items, in an effort to drive those pesky customers away.

Well... Admirable as their intentions might be, one must wonder about using 'health' as a reason. I mean, they do still carry - Alcohol. Now, it seems to me, with cigarettes, you might eventually kill yourself. With alcohol, though, you can kill OTHER PEOPLE!

Seriously, if we're going to start banning products because of "health concerns", then, when you think about it, there aren't going to be many items left on the shelves. If "health" really is a chief concern, then they'll have to ban everything with fat, especially that vile trans-fat, everything with carbs, all the household cleaning products are right out the window, and, of course, those environmentally friendly florescent light bulbs.

Even though these bulbs might save the planet, they can kill you, because they happen to contain extremely toxic quantities of mercury. If you should happen to break one, and you happen to survive the contamination, you've got a cleanup bill that will run into the tens of thousands of dollars, easily. Blasted biohazards! So, yeah, you could say there is a "health concern".

In Wegman's defense, they say that their cigarette prices have always been higher than the competition's, because they refuse, for ethical reasons, to take promotional money from the vendors in order to lower their prices.

The bottom line is that though it may be an inconvenience to not be able to buy smokes at their stores anymore, shoppers will have no other choice but to get their goodies elsewhere. At the end of the day, those who choose to smoke end up being forced to save money. Bummer.

So, Wegmans, congratulations on your decision, but, for your sake, I hope this doesn't become a trend. You might end up carrying naught but bags of ice, and I'm not even sure about that.

And here's the weirdest story of the week. The contenders are: New York City's Ninja Bandit Strikes again; 85 year old man caught driving 100 mph on a snow-covered road; South Carolina man tells a judge to "Kiss his ass"; but the winner is:

Man falls 500 feet and lives. On December 7^th, a 37 year old window washer was up on top of a New York skyscraper when his scaffolding collapsed, dropping him some 47 stories. Just a month later, he's awake, and able to talk.

Doctors expect that he will eventually recover most of his motor functions, though some of his injuries will stay with him for the rest of his days. He broke nearly every bone in his body, was bleeding from almost every organ, and needed 24 liters of blood during his first hours in the hospital.

The odds of surviving a fall from just 3 stories are 50/50. Surviving 10 is considered miraculous. This guy? Well, let's just say that whatever God he believes in has a follower for life.