Strange News of the Week: March 20, 2008

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Welcome, welcome. This is Belrad Universe: Strange News of the Week, and I am your host, Bryan Belrad.

I've been sick for a bit, so we're a little backed up. There's a lot to cover, so let's get right to it!

Believe it or Not: Guiness World Records Sold to Ripley's

Few people know that the company behind the Guiness Book of World Records is the very same Guiness that produces the famous Irish beer - it makes sense, when you think about it. However, such trivialities are no longer a concern; Guiness has sold the rights to their world-famous book of fantastic factoids to Ripley's.

Now, it seems, all the world's most tantalizing trivia will be controlled exclusively by people who operate a museum displaying a stuffed headless chicken (except for this show, of course). Still, there is a lot to be said for the best-known book or records being in the hands of preservationist, as opposed to a bunch of Irish brewers - aka, alcoholics...

Man Arrested Masturbating at Wal-Mart

Now we know why the Smiley Face is grinning! At the Grand Opening for a new Wal-Mart Supercenter in Granby, New York, John D. Gates was observed by multiple shoppers in the act of pleasuring himself.

State Police found him sitting in the passenger seat of his 1991 Ford Ranger, lubricating his stick shift. He had not yet completed his work, though reliable sources indicate that he did manage to finish the job before he was awarded a pair of shiny new bracelets.

The booking officer was later treated for severe disgust and revulsion, being that he was obligated to fingerprint Gates.

This story quickly became a local sensation, resulting in a number of amusing (if corny) comments from the public. Here's a sampling:

"What a jerk. It takes some nerve to pull such a thing."

"This story rubs me the wrong way."

"They should erect a statue of him."

"Who doesn't get excited over a new Wal-Mart?"

"POLICE RUB OUT CRIME!!!
CLEAN UP IN AISLE 7!!"

"I heard that new store is so busy that parking is at a premium, they're practically having to beat people off in the parking lot."

"Guess he'd already been to K-Mart (say it slow & you'll get it)"

"was he parked in the handicap?"

"Too bad he didn't go to Target... he would have had something to shoot at."

"I wonder if any other suspects had a hand in this."

"walmart grocery department's motto - you can't beat our meat."

"they may try to hand him a stiff sentence....but a good lawyer can get him off in court"

"I thought from the look of the place that it needed another coat of whitewash."

"It's a good thing none of the shoppers tried to take the law into their own hands."

"Box of Kleenex $2.25, Bottle of Lubriderm $5.25, getting caught white handed......priceless."

"did the cop or the onlookers get in any trouble for "disturbing the piece?""

"If I were him I'd just tell the judge he was just holding "it" for a friend."

"This guy sounds like a real "WHACK" job!"

"Welcome to Walmart. Please help yourself"

"If you build it, they will come."

"Wal-mart is always a satisfying experience."

"Rumor is he had his car stereo 'crankin'....
To the latest CD 'release'.....
From 'Stroke'......"

"Veni, vidi, vici...

He came, they saw, he was cuffed."

"Stop being so hard-on the guy."

"The police finally charged him with pubic indecency and assault with a friendly weapon."

"They must have seen him coming from a mile away."

"It was obvious that he did not own stock in microsoft."

"Say what you will, this guys has balls."

"Cop: That's enough Mr. Gates. Put you hands behind your head. You're coming with us."

"I wonder if it will be a hung jury"

"Obviously a hardened criminal."

"Different strokes for different folks"

"Just had to return to this one!"

Severed Fingers in the Mail

When is getting severed fingers via post 'good news'? Well, last week, US officials received a parcel that contained the fingers of five security workers who were captured in Iraq a year ago.

One family member of the imprisoned workers summed up the deep emotions nicely: "It shows that they've been alive recently."

This is the first solid information any of the relatives have received since their loved ones went missing in November of 2006.

Happy Holidays II!

This week features one of the highest concentrations of holidays ever seen. Think those rare planetary alignments are cause for celebration? Check this out:

Monday: St. Patrick's Day

Wednesday: St. Joeseph's Day (think Italian St. Patrick)

Thursday: Vernal Equinox (End of Winter - finally!)

Friday: Good Friday

Sunday: Easter

Just like Wal-Mart, there is something for everyone! And, don't forget: the US celebrates five unforgettable years in Iraq - all this week, on your favorite news channel.

Cop Caught Stealing Wieners

A police officer from Bridgeport, Connecticut, was fired for filching franks from a vendor. Worse yet, he attempted to intimidate the sausage seller after the man complained about the frequent thefts; the police department oversees the permits for operating the stand.

But best of all - the hot-dog stand happens to be a concession booth located just outside the city's Courthouse.

The former officer is believed to be a ketchup addict, because his red-hand caught him.

Old Man Slain by Killer Robot

An 81 year-old Australian was disturbed by his family's insistence that he leave his home and move into an elder-care facility. To prove them all wrong (and, strangely, right at the same time), he spent days researching, fabricating, and assembling a robot capable of isolating a target and firing a pistol multiple times at it.

He set the robot up in his driveway and activated it. It did exactly what it was designed to do; it targeted his head, and emptied the gun into it. The robot was very well made; not a single shot missed, despite the fact that its target moved from several feet up to flat on his back while the robot fired.

Easter Warning: Crucifixion May Be a Health Hazard

There is an Easter tradition in the Philippines, as in many parts of the world, where Good Friday is celebrated by a reenactment of Christ's "Passion" - more commonly known as 'the gory part of the story' where Jesus is tortured and hung up on a big wooden cross.

While the 'stations of the cross' ceremony is conducted symbolically in most of the Christian world, there are places where people really love this part of the savior's tale: they go so far as to actually nail themselves to crosses.

Well, the Philippine government has, as governments are wont to do, spoiled everyone's fervorous fun. They've issued an official warning that getting nailed to a cross just might be bad for a person's health.

To help alleviate this 'health crisis', they have published suggestions to help participants 'stay safe'. Among them: get a tetanus shot before partaking, and, of course, sterilize the big rusty iron nails before hammering them through your palms.

Woman Hides Car Keys in Cooch

Jennifer Lowry, a 38 year-old mother from the UK, has been caught driving drunk with her kids in the car before. So, this time, when she was approached by police, she hid the car keys in her 'secret place' in an attempt to convince the officer that she hadn't been driving - despite the fact that the engine was still warm, and she was the only person tall enough to reach the pedals.

A strip-search revealed the keys, and Ms. Lowry eventually conceded that she had been driving, and only hid the keys because a friend had advised her that she could not be arrested if there were no keys. This friend is the same man who has made several well-known 'common sense' statements, such as "They can't repo your car if you don't answer the door," and, "They can't go after you for back taxes if you never file them."

As Guiness's world-famous ads say: Brilliant!

Well, there's a lot more news, but we're out of time. Don't forget, you can email the show with questions, comments, story ideas, and pretty much anything else, at Show@BelradUniverse.com, and don't forget to visit the website (www.BelradUniverse.com) to check out all the other strange things we're up to.

Until next week, stay safe, everyone!