Streaks of Red

i smile when i think about it
the first smile of the day
feeling no pain but my heart
which pounds a million miles a minute
feeling like it's using up all the beats in my life
leaving me dried up and alone

i feel like i'm dying
or maybe i just wish that i were
i'm so weary from hiding, from smiling phony smiles

in the silent room...
the scratch is barely heard lightly upon the skin
the hum of the computer the only other sound
whose monitor i have stared at blankly for a hour
waiting for it to comfort me

not streaks of red, but white instead
and the pain has an underlying pleasure
a sense of guilt and hatred and love and need
all mixed together in an orgasmic rush
that leaves me unfulfilled

today i lack the strength to make the red streaks
tomorrow may be different
tomorrow must be different
tomorrow i will smile again