Stricter Penalties Required for Thoughtless Grocery Shoppers

In my role as a stay-at-home dad, one of the chores that has fallen in my lap is the grocery shopping. Back in my bachelor days this consisted of 4 packs of Ramen noodles, 4 packs of Kraft macaroni and 4 dozen beers but now that I have a family the task has become a little more involved and my job is not made any more easy or pleasurable by the serial shopping offenders that grace the grocery store. I've also noticed that these seem to happen with a lot more regularity at Wal-Mart than anywhere else. Please don't take this as a slight against the mega-retailer, Wal-Mart is a place that I, much to the chagrin of my wife, spend an inordinate amount of time laying out wads of cash on impossibly low priced DVD's and electronic equipment. It just so happens that Wal-Mart seems to be the place where I seem to meet the most grief.

These grocery store offenders can be placed into three very distinct categories; indoor shopping cart infractions, outdoor shopping cart infractions, and bad checkout line etiquette. I will go in depth with each of these categories in a moment but I just want to say that I believe it's time that the grocery store chains take a long, hard look at these dirty deeds and put in place some stiff fines ranging from, but not limited to, store banishment to jail time. First time offenders could be forced to serve a week as a Wal-Mart greeter pushing smiley faced stickers onto people who very obviously don't want to be touched by anyone. Let's take a look at the offences and I will let you, the reader, decide which punishment fits best.

1. Indoor Shopping Cart Infractions - There are a large number of these offences but the most aggravating I'm sure will top every shoppers list. Let's start with the store zombie (very frequently seen in the mall too). They shuffle along slowly, barely lifting their feet off the floor, and their only purpose for having a cart seems to be to prop up their slouching form. Their carts always seem to be empty but they will take hours to clear one aisle as they examine, without touching mind you, every item on the shelf.

The impromptu gathering of friends. This consists of a group of Stepford wife types who will block the entire aisle so they can chatter incessantly about the new tennis pro at the community center or their latest manicure. They seem to be guarded by some invisible force field as there is no way around them and they never seem to notice that anyone else exists in their realm.

The abandoned cart. This shopping cart is usually heaped full of groceries, its owner nowhere in sight (perhaps they have joined the meeting in the next aisle over) and laying smack bang in the middle of the aisle. This cart usually always has a defective wheel which, combined with the weight of the groceries, and makes it virtually impossible to move.

2. Checkout Line Violations - There are two major violations here, one as egregious as the next. First there are the people who seem to have no problem going into the 10 items or less express checkout line with the shopping carts stuffed full of goods. I always check for the wonky wheel on those carts to try and also tie these people into the abandoned cart category (call it a case of building state's evidence against them). These people always seem to end up right in front of me when all I have in hand is a pack of Tic-Tacs. What makes it worse is that the jaded checkout people never seem to question the fact that there are a lot more than 10 items flying by their scanner.

Almost as bad as this is the line sneakers. You'll be hanging back a bit giving the person in front of you some space when the offender will push their cart between you and the person in front. These people have generally lost the ability to speak or understand English as your attempts to inform them of their error usually falls on deaf ears or is greeted with a blank stare.

3. The Outdoor Cart Violations - There is only one thing in this category but it is the one I find most aggravating personally. Why is it that people can't walk the 5 yards from their car to the shopping cart holder? Every time I come out of the store there is a stray shopping cart that has somehow mysteriously made it's way over to my vehicle (apparently at very high speed judging by the size of the ding and paint chip on my van). All of these parking lots are under video surveillance so, in my mind, there should be a crack SWAT team on call and as soon as someone lets a cart they've finished using just roll away, the team should be alerted by a video crew and then sent to pick up this person and hustle them off to some secret location where they can be taught how to roll a cart from their car to the cart caddy are and shown how one cart fits snugly inside another.

It's time us regular, law-abiding shoppers banded together and did something about this. Let's all gather en masse and set up protest groups outside the large grocery retail stores and let the owners and offender know that we are mad as hell and not going to take it anymore.