Stroking Out

I got that call today, the one you dread, the one you know is inevitable as you watch your parents age and realize they are more vulnerable than you ever imagined they could be. My world as I know it stopped revolving today starting at 9:20 am when my brother asked me if I had spoken to my father. I said no and he then had the daunting task of telling me my mother had a stroke and was in the hospital.

Like most people in the vicinity of a concussive explosion I was struck dumb and numb all at the same time. My brain couldn't form a cohesive thought, I lost my plan and I physically began to shake. It took a full minute for me to comprehend what a stroke was and worse, what it meant. I started to cry and realized I didn't have time for it. I needed to get shoes on and get out of my house so I could get to the hospital.

When I arrived my father told me how he had spent his night and how improved she was. He seemed positive and upbeat and thought they would be sending her home if not today then tomorrow. As I stood there talking to her I saw the right side of her face start to droop lower and her speech became more slurred. She told me her arm was feeling heavy and she couldn't move her leg. For the next ten minutes while the buzzer rang on deaf ears at the nurse's station I watched as the tsunami that is a stroke rippled through my mother's body laying waste to every physical aspect of her person. I was sure I was watching her die and no one was doing anything to delay it.

For only the second time in my life I watched as my father came unglued. In that moment everything I am because of my parents kicked in and I became my father's understated power and resolution with my mother's neurosis about how fast we were going to get it done and what exactly it was we were going to do. For the next three hours waves of stroke wracked us as surely as they wracked my mother's exhausted frame.

Something you may not know; strokes evolve. I thought you had one and depending on how bad it was you were sort of okay or in need of great care. I never thought I would have to endure hours of it coming and going ranging from as low as a two on the scale of severity to the highest score of an eight. I never thought that in a unit one step down from ICU or CCU I would need to rally the nurses to do their job or to even be bothered with monitoring a patient.

Perhaps the dilapidated condition of the room speaks more to the dilapidated state of the staff than it does to that of the building or perhaps the two are synonymous but the truth of the matter is I wouldn't trust these people to give me stitches or prescribe penicillin for my dog. Charlton Memorial Hospital in Fall River Massachusetts has sunk money into a slick web site and they have some really pretty billboards announcing their affiliations and cardiac care but all of that is just window dressing and the truth behind the closed doors is utterly depressing.

The only thing that went right today was my mother's doctor admitting she didn't know enough because she hadn't seen many cases like this and in light of that got on the phone to Massachusetts General Hospital to consult with someone who knew more and would be able to find a bed so we could transfer my mom there. The difference between the hospitals, the care givers, and my mother's status are as vividly contrasting as a clouded moonless night and high noon on open water in the middle of summer. While she is now stable and the prognosis is good my heart and mind can't let go of what I saw today.

It is your worst nightmare when someone you love to the very core of your being is in trouble and you are helpless to fix the problem. It is horrifying when you are surrounded by people who are supposed to be able to help you but seem less than interested in doing so. You realize your role in your family; I am the organizer, my husband is the driver and technical support, my sister is the logistics and public relations manager, and my brother (quite thankfully) is the CEO. Ironically these are the jobs we have in real life and if you look at the sum total of who we are when we come together we become our parents.

I hope you are all safe wherever you may be and that your loved ones are safe in your heart even if they can't be close at hand. I realize there are bigger disasters in the world today but as far as my emotional and mental state will let me go they are not even a close second in my world.

Be safe.