Study: Blindness Linked to Masturbation

A just-released study by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services [HHS] warns of an alarming increase in masturbation-related blindness and vision problems affecting America's youth--especially those in high school.

"It's an epidemic" said Deputy Director Judy Cisternack of the Agency for Healthcare Research and Quality, the sub-agency that commissioned the research, "anyone who believes otherwise is just fooling themselves." While admitting the problem is widespread, Cisternack said there were many other teens who should "give themselves a hand" for taking corrective action sooner than later.

Figures tabulated at the conclusion of the 'double blind' study indicated vision problems requiring correction by glasses or contact lenses increased 72.4% over the last decade compared to just 23.9% in the previous ten-year period. 68% of those who participated in the research said they masturbated "once or twice" daily. The incidence among heavy masturbators--defined as engaging in the act four or more times during a sixteen hour period--increased a whopping 94.6%, while occasional masturbators--fewer than three times weekly--had the smallest increase at 19.4%. In two extreme cases--where participants exceeded ten episodes daily--the study was halted after eight months and surgery instituted to restore acceptable vision.

"At one point, just before we stopped the study, a couple of participants' had such bad vision they couldn't see their own genitals" said one researcher who did not wish to be identified.

In addition to vision maladies some participants reported physical ailments ranging from minor calluses & abrasions to shoulder dislocation.

When asked what might account for the rise, Cisternack cited the increased number of personal computers and web sites, ample availability of "slack time" to persons under 20 years of age, lack of parental supervision, better public restroom accommodations, and media advertising campaigns targeting the "tween" demographic--children nine to twelve years of age.

Dr. William Davis, who headed the research project, called on teenagers everywhere to "get a grip" and become "more flexible and responsible." Davis added, "a lot of kids think they can just do it 'till they need glasses then stop and everything will be ok, but we know now that just isn't the case." Davis said most participants in the study were unable to quit even when their vision worsened and cautioned teens even if they did stop early enough the natural aging process could compound existing vision problems beginning around age 40.

Davis, himself thickly-bespectacled with 20/400 vision, offered suggestions to 'break the cycle' including cognitive therapy such as thinking of grandparents when the urge strikes, keeping toilet visits to a minimum, taking cold showers, and in extreme cases, seeking an appropriate twelve-step program or even considering 'reduction' surgery.

"I'm hoping young people will choose well" Davis said, "between a moment of bliss or a lifetime of regret."