Study Reveals Vampires' Other Weakness

Daylight, crosses, garlic and splinters - some frailties of vampires have long been recognized. However, a recent study put out by Kneelson Media Research shows that the bloodsuckers have another, lesser-known weakness: daytime television.

Not since the movie premier of F.W. Murnau's Sunrise in 1927 have so many Transylvanians been transfixed with the moving picture according to the most recent surveys of television viewing habits.

"I just have to know what happens to Theresa Lopez-Fitzgerald Crane!" said a pasty Eddie Nosferatu, referring to a character on the NBC soap opera Passions. He popped in today's VHS tape while munching on popcorn. "She's so love-struck and borderline insane. You can really connect to her."

Nosferatu is not alone. Once relegated only to those undead capable of programming a VCR, the advent of digital video recorders have heralded a new age of soaps, daytime court dramas, vitamin advertisements and more soaps.

"In the old days, we pretty much only got infomercials or that boring Indian chief," said Vlad Karloff, devoted TiVo user. "Nick at Night helped some, but even vampires can only endure so many Roseanne reruns."

A teary-eyed Karloff explained that watching that particular show evoked powerful memories of his own late mother, who passed 1,304 years ago.

The cultural explosion of daytime TV has brought the vampire community together in a new way, said noted sociologist Auggie Comte, though without certain ramifications.

"Vampire night life used to be much more active," Comte noted. "It's not uncommon these days for them to hang from the rafters, content to 'watch their stories' with a six-pack of A positive."